也許我們渴望得到別人的認同是因為，在我們內心深處我們已先對他們有愛? 這份愛的能量只是被尋求認同的自我中心意識所掩蓋。也許這是為什麼我們越愛一個人，我們越希望得到他們的認同?
Is it possible that the reason we seek other people’s approval is because deep in us, we have love for them first? The love is just obscured by the dominating ego to win people’s approval. Maybe this is why that the more we love a person, the stronger our desire to have their approval?
~ Judy H
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文章來源 / Source:
https://www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace/posts/404535232936093
By Grace Bell
作者: 葛蕾思‧培爾
Dear Inquirers,
親愛的自我探索學員們:
Yesterday I received a call from the company who rented a lodge to me last weekend asking if I had seen a couple of items that belonged in the kitchen.
昨天我接到一通電話, 是上周末把小木屋租給我的那家公司打來的，問我有沒有看到廚房裏的兩件物品。
I recognized them immediately. They were in my home, instead of where they should be back in the kitchen lodge. I thought they were left at the lodge by friends and family.
我馬上就知道是什麼東西了。它們正在我家，沒有被歸還到木屋的廚房間去。我以為是親戚還是朋友留下來的。
An innocent mistake, and easy to return the items....
一個無心的過失，很輕易就可以物歸原主 ….
And yet, here came that little idea in the mind "she thought I was stealing, I should have been more careful, now we have to drive 2 hours to return them, we've left a bad impression..."
但是，一個很小的念頭閃過腦海:「她認為我是偷的。我應該小心一點才對，現在我們必須開兩個小時的車回去歸還。我們給了別人不好的印象…」
The urge to impress others enters our consciousness in such subtle little moments. There is a fear that those people out there won't approve of us, don't like us, aren't agreeing with us. We become afraid that we'll be rejected, even by a look, a comment, a thought.
想給人留下好印象這種慾望常常在瞬間潛入我們的意識裏。我們害怕別人不接受我們，不喜歡我們，和我們意見不合。我們害怕被拒絕，即便是一個眼神，一句話，或一個念頭。
In her book I Need Your Love, Is It True? Byron Katie talks about the quick automatic response that many of us have to say "Excuse Me!" or "Sorry!" to strangers, to apologize, to make sure they are thinking well of us.
在「我需要你的愛。這是真的嗎?」這本書裏，拜倫‧凱蒂談到很多人都會對陌生人脫口而出說「不好意思」或「對不起」來表示歉意，來確保我們在他們心目中的良好形象。
What would be the worst that could happen if we didn't have good manners? If we didn't explain ourselves? If we didn't defend ourselves or try to make a good impression?
如果我們態度不好，如果我們沒有為自己辯解，如果我們沒有維護自己或設法給對方留下好的印象，最壞的結果會是什麼?
What if you weren't concerned with what others think and you simply responded to a situation truthfully and authentically?
如果你不在乎別人的看法，只是真實地作出反應會怎麼樣?
In my imagination I have believed that if someone thought I was rude, immature, immoral, mean, selfish or that I don't care about them...then they might hurt me.
在我的想像裏，我曾經認為如果有人覺得我態度不好、不成熟、不道德、卑鄙、 自私或不關心別人，他們可能會讓我受到傷害。
They would leave me or attack me. They would punish me. They would tell other people how awful I am and those people would also separate from me. They would never rent the lodge to me again!!
他們會離開我或批判我。他們會懲罰我。他們會告訴別人我有多糟糕，然後那些人也會離我而去。他們再也不會把小木屋租給我了!!
If someone thought I behaved terribly, then I should feel guilt, shame, embarrassment and sadness. If someone didn't like me or thought I did something wrong (like steal a bowl from the kitchen) then I deserved their suspicion or wrath. My fault.
如果有人認為我的行為不當，我應該覺得歉疚、羞愧、難為情、傷心。如果有人不喜歡我或認為我做錯了事 (像是偷了廚房的碗)，我就該被他們懷疑和責難。是我的錯。
Ultimately, I would be alone burning in a fiery pit. Hell. If they thought I was a bad person, then I was.
最後，我會孤單地留在熾熱的火坑裏。下地獄。如果他們認為我是壞人，我就是壞人。
I remember when my former husband told me he was moving out. I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was worthy of being left. I was terrified, then furious, but crushed because I instantly believed it must be true.
我記得當我前夫告訴我他要搬出去時，我難過地認為我是活該被拋棄。我害怕、憤怒，然後崩潰了，因為我馬上對這個念頭信以為真。
Who was the one who believed that thought that I was unworthy? Me.
是誰相信了這個念頭，認為我一文不值? 是我自己。
A simple question is asked. Someone says "Did you take my thing?" and FEAR is the response. Someone says "When were you going to clean up this mess?" or "I thought you were spending the evening with me" or "We need to talk" and we're on alert.
有人問了一個簡單的問題: 「你拿了我的東西嗎?」我們的反應是恐懼。有人說「你什麼時候才會去收拾乾淨?」或「我以為你今晚會陪我的」或「我們需要談一談」，我們會立刻提高警覺。
The solution? Sit down and question the belief "I want them to like me, I want them to approve of me"...."I did something wrong".
有什麼解決方法嗎? 讓我們坐下來質疑這個念頭:「我要他們喜歡我，我要他們接受我」 …「我做錯了事」。
When you turn these concepts around, you do not have to fear that you will be a cold, disinterested, rude or uncaring person. You will find that what is true is that you want to approve of THEM and to like THEM, even when they are apparently confronting you or expressing criticism.
當你將這個念頭翻轉過來，你就不必害怕成為一個冷漠無情、沒有禮貌或不關心別人的人。你會發現，是你希望去接受他們，是你希望去喜歡他們，即使他們和你起衝突或在批評你。
I want to accept every word, situation, action as reality and bring love to it. I want to love, not hate.
讓我接受現實生活中的每句話、每個情況和行為，然後從愛的角度去看它們。讓我呈現的是愛，而不是憎恨。
Most of all, I want to approve of myself and like myself. I am my most important relationship, after all.
最重要的是，讓我接受自己，喜歡自己。畢竟自己和我才是最重要的關係。
Here's the wonderful thing: your most deeply truthful and automatic response to others asking you questions, or communicating with you about something worrisome, or confronting you when they are upset...is love.
(有了這份轉念後) 最棒的是: 當別人來質問你，向你過問一件不安的事，或生氣地來責問你時，你內心深處最真實的當下反應會是 …. 愛。
"Who would you be without the thought that you need to seek approval? You might be someone who just lives your life and lets people form whatever impressions they want to form---of you and of everyone else. That's what they're all doing anyway."~ Byron Katie
「如果你沒有想讓別人接受你的念頭，你會是誰? 你也許就是過你自己的日子，隨便他們怎麼看你或其他人。反正他們總是會有自己的想法。」 ~ 拜倫‧凱蒂
The only thing that is stressful in any situation with another person is my thinking. Without believing the thoughts that I need them to have a good impression of me, I am free.
在任何情況下和別人相處感覺有壓力是因為我自己的想法。如果我不再認為我需要別人對我有好感，我就自由了。
I find advantages in how other people are. I love them being who they are, I love myself. I am ready for the next step, it's a big adventure.
我開始在別人身上看到他們的優點。我喜歡他們原本的模樣，我也愛自己。我已經準備好要面對下一步，那會是一次很精彩的體驗。
Here I am, not believing my stressful thoughts. Happy. Planning a fun drive back to the lodge to return the missing stuff.
現在，我不再相信自己那些不愉快的念頭。心情很好。讓我輕鬆地開車回去小木屋歸還那些物品吧。
Love,
Grace
愛你們的，
葛蕾思
About Grace Bell
Grace Bell first encountered a need to heal from very painful thinking when still a teenager. This started a journey of self-discovery, seeking, riding a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts, and studying. She received several therapy treatments in the 1980’s and eventually became a therapist and counselor herself following her studies in the graduate school and completion of a number of training programs. She joined a Course In Miracles study group over a period of 20 years. In 2008 Grace graduated from both the Certification Program for The Work of Byron Katie with The Institute for The Work after many hours of training and attendance over three years, and Accomplishment Coaching, a one-year Life Coach Certification program. Grace has since helped many people from all over the world.
關於葛蕾思‧培爾
青少年時期的葛蕾思‧培爾首度和自己痛苦的念頭相遇，這啟動了她之後一段長時間的情緒動盪和自我探索的過程。1980年代她接受過幾次的心理治療，之後進入碩士學位課程並接受一連串的療癒諮商訓練，最終成為一名諮商治療師。她曾經參加「奇蹟課程」的團體研讀長達20年。然後經過三年無數小時的訓練，2008年她從「功課學院」畢業拿到拜倫‧凱蒂的「功課專業證書」，同時拿到為期一年訓練的「生命教練證書」。至今她幫助過的人已遍及全世界。
* Judy H 譯 *
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