愛 – 無需追求，它就在你心裏
Stop Seeking Love and Start Finding It
Source: Experience Life Magazine (July – Sept 2007 edition)
文章來源 : 體驗生活雜誌 (2007年7-9月號)
https://experiencelife.com/article/stop-seeking-love-and-start-finding-it/
By Anne Geske
作者: 安妮‧賈絲柯 (作家)
Dissatisfied with your relationships? Longing for greater closeness and appreciation from others? Maybe you’re working a little too hard to win the happiness already within your grasp.
對你的親密關係不滿意嗎? 渴望和別人更親近，得到他們的肯定嗎? 其實你努力追求的快樂就近在呎尺。
Lea Ann Paradise was in love. She was dating Bob (not his real name) a few years ago and was working overtime to make the relationship blossom. There was just one tiny problem: He didn’t love her back.
莉雅‧安‧白瑞戴思曾在戀愛中。她和包柏 (非真名) 在幾年前交往時，她很認真地想讓那段關係開花結果。但是有個小問題: 包柏並不愛她。
“I wanted Bob to love me,” Paradise recalls. “I wanted him to show me that he loved me, and that wasn’t happening.” She was convinced that she could be happy only if Bob would return her love. It wasn’t until long after the two went their separate ways that Paradise began to realize that her happiness depended far less on someone else’s affections than it did on her own frame of mind.
「我要包柏愛我。」莉雅回憶時說。「我要他對我表示愛意，但他一直沒有。」她相信唯有包柏對她回報以愛她才會快樂。後來在兩人分手很久以後莉雅才開始明白，她的快樂主要是來自她自己的想法，而不是來自依賴別人的感情。
Like Paradise, many of us believe that we’ll be happy once we win the love, intimacy and approval of those around us. So we work hard to curry favor with others; we worry about what others feel and think. In the process, we open ourselves to a lot of heartache and anxiety. We also convince ourselves that our happiness depends on others’ actions and attitudes — when in fact it depends on what we, ourselves, think and believe.
和莉雅一樣，我們很多人相信，一旦我們獲得周圍人的愛、親密關係和認同，我們就會很快樂。於是我們努力去迎合別人，我們擔心別人的感覺和看法。在這個過程裏，我們很容易讓自己受到傷害和產生焦慮。我們也讓自己相信，我們的快樂是受別人的行為和態度來左右 — 而事實上，它是由我們自己的想法和信念所決定。
The notion that we need to win people over is ingrained in our culture. Many of us “stage-manage” what we say and how we act in front of someone important to us. We nervously watch for signs that we’re succeeding. Afterward, we mentally rewind the conversation and judge our performance.
取悅別人的這個觀念根深蒂固在我們的文化裏。我們很多人會在重要的人面前「操控」我們的言語和行為來達到某一種效果。我們小心翼翼地觀察達到目標的訊號，而且會在事後在腦海裏，將那場對話重新上演一次來評估我們的表現。
That’s a lot of work for something we really can’t control. And quite frankly, we don’t need to bother, says Byron Katie, author of I Need Your Love — Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead (Harmony Books, 2005).
對於我們無法控制的事，這實在很花功夫。而且坦白說，我們不必如此，「我需要你的愛。這是真的嗎？：四個問句改變愛的關係」一書的作者拜倫‧凱蒂表示 (英文版於2005年由 Harmony Books出版)
Seeking love and approval from others simply doesn’t work, says Katie. “We stand in front of a person, we imagine what they want us to sound like, and we put on a facade in order to win their approval,” she explains. “And then when they say something like, ‘I approve of you,’ part of us doesn’t really believe it because we know they’re approving of a facade.”
尋求別人的愛和認同是沒有用的，凱蒂表示。「當我們站在人前，我們會想像他們希望我們說什麼，然後我們戴上一個面具來贏取他們的認同。」她解釋。「如果他們說 『我肯定你了』 之類的話，我們其實也不會全然相信，因為我們明白他們肯定的是一只面具。」
Even if our act is successful, we still aren’t entirely happy. Why? Because the more we focus on what the other person is thinking, the less we are present for our own thoughts and feelings, and to the real relationship that exists between us. “The irony,” Katie notes, “is that the struggle to win love and approval makes it impossible to have them.”
即使我們真的達到目的，我們仍然 不會開心。為什麼? 因為我們越把注意力放在對方的看法上，我們會越忽略我們自身的想法和感受，以及兩人間真正的互動關係。「諷剌的是，」 凱蒂說，「努力去追求愛和認同反而讓我們得不到。」
Question Your Thoughts
質疑你的想法
At the heart of Katie’s work is the idea that when we believe our stressful thoughts, we suffer, but when we question them, we don’t. Confused thoughts, Katie says, are the cause of all stressful feelings — which, in turn, cause unkind, crazy-making behaviors that often contribute to our own unhappiness.
凱蒂的中心思想是，如果我們認同不愉快的想法，我們就會痛苦; 如果我們質疑它們，我們會得到解脫。凱蒂說，混淆不清的想法是所有不愉快情緒的主因，它們導致惡意和瘋狂的行為，讓我們很不快樂。
“The way the mind works,” says Katie, “is that it thinks, for example, ‘I’m unhappy.’ Something wonderful may be happening around us, but the mind is busy proving that thought: ‘I’m unhappy,’” she says. “The mind’s job is to look only for what will validate that belief.”
「念頭是這樣運作的，」凱蒂說，「比如它會這麼想 『我不快樂』。」也許我們周遭正發生一件很棒的事，但是我們的念頭忙著證明我們的想法: 「我不快樂，」她說。「念頭只會尋找對它有利的證據。」
Until we are willing to challenge our thoughts, we’re stuck in a desperate cycle of seeking and not receiving. In the process, we become largely incapable of enjoying the real love and appreciation that’s coming our way.
除非我們開始質疑我們的想法，我們會一直陷在「尋求」和「得不到」的循環裏。在這個過程中，我們會對周圍真正發生的愛和肯定視而不見。
Challenging Reality
挑戰事實
To help people transform their false thoughts, Katie has developed a set of four questions she calls “The Work” (see “Get Real With Your Relationships,” below, and the article “Coming to Terms” in the October 2004 archives for more info on The Work).
凱蒂發展了一套包含四個問題的方法，來幫助人們轉變錯誤的想法，她把這些問題稱為「功課」 。(請參考下面「 發現人際關係的真相」段落和提供的網站得到更多資訊)。
Katie’s questions first challenge the verity of the thoughts that are causing us trouble; then they invite us to look at how we act under their influence. The final question invites us to consider who we might be without our troubling notions. In most cases, we find we would be free to act and relate differently — and in a way far more likely to create satisfaction for ourselves and others.
凱蒂的問題首先質疑我們煩惱念頭的真實性，然後引導我們去發現這些念頭對我們的影響。最後一個問題要我們去思考，如果這些煩惱的念頭不存在，我們會是誰。在多數的情形下，我們會感覺不再受束縛，反應的方式也會改變，這種改變會帶給我們和別人更高的滿意度。
The next step in The Work is to create a “turnaround.” This involves reversing the original idea in various ways to create new perspectives. Turnarounds tend to reveal elements of reality (and relationships) that seem obvious once we’ve lit on them. They can also reveal the extent to which we are investing our emotional energy in false notions that may themselves be making us miserable.
「功課」的下一步是「轉念」，意思是將原來的念頭用不同的方法翻轉來創造新的視角。「轉念」的結果往往可以幫助我們看清事實(和人際關係)裏的要素，並且讓我們明白我們將情緒的能量消耗在錯誤的觀念上，讓自己很悲慘。
For Paradise, as an example, the distressing thought “I need him to love me” first got turned around to become “I don’t need him to love me.” This rang surprisingly true, she realized, because “it appears he doesn’t love me, and I’m still breathing.” After working through more turnarounds and their associated epiphanies, she tried: “I need me to love me.” That last statement seemed especially right-on to Paradise, who realized her energy was better spent being “at home with myself, instead of having my attention on him.”
就莉雅的例子來說，這個煩惱的念頭「我需要他愛我」首先可以轉念成「我不 需要他愛我。」她發現這個想法居然很真實，因為「很顯然地，他並不 愛我，但我還在呼吸。」經過幾次不同的轉念和新發現，她嘗試:「我需要我 來愛我。」這最後的陳述對莉雅有如當頭棒喝，她發現她把精神花在「待在家裏和自己在一起」要比「把注意力放在他身上」好得多。
What she ultimately discovered, she says, is that she was quite capable of loving herself, and that she was “whole, whether someone else loved me or not.”
她最終發現，她說，她其實很能愛自己，而且她是個「健全的人，不管別人愛不愛我。」
Building Authentic Connections
建立真正的關係
Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love’s Door: The Seven Lessons (iUniverse, 2004), has found Katie’s questions so helpful that she has incorporated a variation of them into her relationship classes. “Katie’s approach helps you realize that these anxiety-provoking thoughts about whether or not another person likes you or loves you are really just projections of your own negative self-judgment,” Kirschner says.
心理學家戴安娜‧柯絲諾博士，也是「打開愛的心門: 七件功課」一書的作者(2004年iUniverse出版)，發現凱蒂的問題非常有用，於是將它們稍作改變納入她的人際關係課程裏。「凱蒂的方法幫助我們了解這些焦慮的念頭，擔心別人是否喜歡你或愛你，只是我們負面自我批判的投射而已，」柯絲諾博士表示。
Once you examine these thoughts, she adds, you see that they don’t serve you. “You stop enacting this behavioral pattern that’s really self-defeating, and you start enacting a behavioral pattern that is validating.”
一旦你開始檢視這些念頭，她說，你會發現它們是在傷害你。「你會終止這個自我打擊的行為模式，開始肯定自己。」
Over time, Paradise says, Katie’s approach has helped her engage more authentically. Whether meeting someone new or talking to an old friend, she says, “I’m here now. I’m open and present. I get to experience the person in front of me instead of my story about them.”
經過一段時間後，莉雅說，凱蒂的方法幫助她能更真實地和其他人相處。無論是認識新人或和老朋友交談，她說，「我的心就在現在。我很坦然，活在當下。我可以真實地和我面前的人互動，而不用糾結在我對他們的看法裏。」
That’s what it’s all about, says Katie: “If you approve of yourself, you can approach people totally, without seeking approval. You realize that their reaction has to do with who they believe you are, not with who you really are. So their approval is just icing on the cake, because you already have what’s most important: your own love.”
這就是重點，凱蒂說:「如果你肯定自己，你就可以很自在地和別人相處，不需要尋求他們的認同。因為你了解，別人的反應不過是反映他們自己對你的看法，和真正的你無關。所以他們的認同只是像蛋糕上的糖霜， 因為你已經擁有了最重要的東西: 你給自己的愛。」
Get Real With Your Relationships
發現人際關係的真相
When you feel upset about a relationship, notice the thoughts running through your head, and write down the one that is most disconcerting at that moment. For instance, “She hasn’t called me back; that means she doesn’t care about me.” Now ask these questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
4. Who or what would I be without that thought?
當你對一段人際關係感到不安時，請留意你當時的念頭，將最令你不安的想法寫下來。例如，「她沒有回我電話; 這表示她不再關心我了。」然後回答以下這些問題:
1. 這是真的嗎?
2. 我確信這是真的嗎?
3. 如果我相信這個念頭，我會做什麼反應?
4. 如果我沒有這個念頭，我會是誰?
Next, turn the thought around and find three genuine examples of how each turnaround might be true. In the above example, one turnaround might be “She does care about me.” Another might be “I don’t care about me.”
接下來，將這個念頭翻轉一下，找到三個可能真實的「轉念」。就這個例子來說，一個轉念可能是「她是 關心我的。」另一個可能是「我 不關心我。」
Be willing to challenge the thoughts that trouble you, and you’ll start finding more constructive courses of thought and action that serve you better.
當你開始質疑讓你心煩的念頭時，你會開始發現對你更健康的想法和行為模式。
Reprinted with permission from I Need Your Love — Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead by Byron Katie (Harmony Books, 2005).
經過刊載許可 -- 拜倫‧凱蒂的著作「我需要你的愛。這是真的嗎？：四個問句改變愛的關係」 (英文版於2005年由 Harmony Books出版)
譯者註: 中文版 – 提供給有興趣的中文讀者
http://www.books.com.tw/products/0010494236
Katie’s Story
Byron Katie, founder of The Work, has one job: to teach people how to end their own suffering. As she guides people through the powerful process of inquiry she calls The Work, they find that their stressful beliefs—about life, other people, or themselves—radically shift and their lives are changed forever. Based on Byron Katie's direct experience of how suffering is created and ended, The Work is an astonishingly simple process, accessible to people of all ages and backgrounds, and requires nothing more than a pen, paper, and an open mind.
凱蒂的故事
拜 倫‧凱蒂創辦了「功課」，她只有一個目的: 教導人們如何不再自尋煩惱。在她的引導下經歷這個她稱為「功課」的強大探究過程之後，很多人發現他們不愉快的念頭 – 對人生、其他人或他們自己 – 發生很大的轉變，生命也從此不一樣。這門「功課」是根據拜倫‧凱蒂親身經歷痛苦的產生及結束所創造的，它是一個極為簡單的過程，任何人不分年齡和背景都可 以使用，而且只需要一枝筆、一張紙和一個開放的心。
Through this process, anyone can learn to trace unhappiness to its source and deal with it there. Katie (as everyone calls her) not only shows us that all the problems in the world originate in our thinking: she gives us the tool to open our minds and set ourselves free.
透過這個過程，任何人都可以去追溯不愉快的根源，然後對症下藥。凱蒂 (一般人對她的稱呼) 不僅讓我們明白所有的問題都來自我們的念頭，並且提供了一個幫助我們敞開心門和解脫的方法。
How The Work Began
「功課」的由來
Byron Katie became severely depressed in her early thirties. For almost a decade she spiraled down into rage, self-loathing, and constant thoughts of suicide. For the last two years she was often unable to leave her bedroom. Then one morning in February 1986, she experienced a life-changing realization. There are various names for an experience like this. Katie calls it “waking up to reality.”
拜倫‧凱蒂在三十歲初頭時陷入嚴重的憂鬱狀態。接下來近十年，她每況愈下，生活在憤怒、自我憎恨和不斷想自殺的念頭裏。最後的兩年，她甚至經常無法走出她的臥房。但在1986年二月的某天早上，她突然領悟到一件事，從此改變她的人生。這個經驗可以用不同的名稱來形容，凱蒂把它稱為「覺醒到真相」。
In that instant, she says,
在那一刻，她形容:
I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn't believe them, I didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.
我發現當我相信我的念頭時，我會痛苦，當我不相信時，我就解脫了。我們每個人都是如此。自由其實是這麼簡單。我發現痛苦是一個選擇。我發現心中那份喜悅從來沒有離開過我，一刻都沒有。那份喜悅也時刻在每個人的心裏。
She realized that what had been causing her depression was not the world around her, but the beliefs she'd had about the world. Instead of hopelessly trying to change the world to match her thoughts about how it should be, she could question these thoughts and, by meeting reality as it is, experience unimaginable freedom and joy. As a result, a bedridden, suicidal woman was instantly filled with love for everything life brings.
她發現讓她產生憂鬱的不是她周遭的世界，而是她對這個世界的看法。與其徒勞地想改變這個世界去迎合她的想法，她可以去質疑這些念頭，藉由看清和面對真相，獲得無比的自由和喜悅。於是，一個原本下不了床想自殺的女人，從此對生命的萬事萬物充滿了愛。
The Work, Katie's process of self-inquiry, didn't develop from this experience; she says that it woke up with her, as her, that February morning in 1986. The first people who did The Work reported that it had transformed their lives, and she soon began receiving invitations to teach the process publicly.
凱蒂的這門「功課」，一個自我探究的過程，其實不是根據她這個經驗發展出來的。她說這個方法在1986年二月的那天早晨和她一起醒來，變成她的一部份。最早一批參加這門「功課」的人表示，這個方法改變了他們的人生。凱蒂隨即開始接到邀約向大眾公開傳授。
Since 1986, she has brought The Work to millions of people across the world, at free public events, in prisons, hospitals, churches, corporations, universities, schools, at weekend workshops, at her amazing nine-day School for The Work, and through the Institute for The Work.
自1986年起，凱蒂已經將她的「功課」傳授給全世界幾百萬的人，包括透過她舉辦的免費公開活動，經由監獄、教會、公司行號、大學、各級學校和周末工作坊，以及她成效卓著的九天「功課學校」和「功課學院」。
Are you ready to change your thinking and your world? Everything you need to do The Work is available free on this website.
你也準備好要改變你的念頭和世界了嗎? 你可以在這個網站免費得到一切這門「功課」的資源。
* Judy H 譯 *
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are interested, you can find everything about the Work at this website:
http://thework.com/en (in English and different languages)
~ 補充資訊 ~
有興趣的讀者可以在以下中文網站了解「功課」:
「功課」官方網站 : http://thework.com/sites/thework/chinese/ (英文、中文簡體和其他各國語言)
台灣推廣網站: http://the-work.tw/ (中文繁體)
相關文章 / You may also like :
轉念遇到愛 (一) / Turn Around and Find Love (Part I)
為什麼我不再取悅別人 / What to Do When Your Need to Please Is Ruining Your Life
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