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美麗的敗筆: 所謂的成功對孩子的傷害 / Why we shouldn’t stress about our children’s academic success


By Lucy Clark
作者: 露西‧ 克拉克

文章來源 / Source
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11801242

Expectations are a funny thing. We all have a sense, as we set out on the great adventure of parenthood, of our hopes for our kids. We imagine self-sustaining successful adults who, on their own thrilling adventure towards adulthood, have ticked off all the boxes that get them there: crawl at this age, walk at that age, read, write and learn times tables as the grades are ascended at exactly the right moments, get a brilliant score, go to uni, get a great job, repeat. Follow the rules, keep to the programme.

期望這件事說起來很奇怪。在我們開始走上為人父母這條路時,我們就對孩子有了一定的期望。我們期望他們將來會變成一個獨立自主的成功人士,他們會在充滿挑戰的成長過程中,按步就班地完成每一個步驟: 幾個月大時學會爬,幾個月大時學會走路,然後隨著學校年級的增加,在一定的時候學會讀寫和九九乘法表,拿到出色的成績,上大學,找到一份好工作。照這樣做就對了,好好遵守規則,跟著計畫走。 

We read all the parenting books and we know what to expect from the moment we are expecting, and beyond. Life is prescribed and if things don't quite fit perfectly, the term "the range of normal" becomes your best friend.

我們都會讀親子教育的書,從一開始懷孕我們就可以預期將來的每一步。人生已經幫你規劃好了,但如果事情沒那麼順利,那麼「正常範圍」這個名詞就會成為你的夢魘。

When she was about 14, my daughter went off the programme with extreme prejudice. She pushed back against most things, but school was the major issue - the rules, the competition, the pressure to perform, the pressure to conform.

當我女兒14歲大的時候,她就開始偏離這個成長計劃,而且非常離譜。她對很多事都很反抗,但學校是最嚴重的 – 舉凡校規、名次、學業,到服從。 

For her, it all added up to a recipe for chronic anxiety.

對她來說,這一切都是造成她後來長期焦慮的原因。 

By the time she reached the crucial final two years of school, she was failing at everything, or feeling as if she was. Failing to hand in assignments, failing to turn up on time (or at all), failing to meet uniform requirements, failing, at every turn, to meet all the standard-markers and expectations of the education system.

到了緊要關頭的最後兩年高中,她幾乎什麼都不合格,她自己也覺得很失敗。沒辦法交作業,沒辦法準時上學 (或根本沒去),制服不合規定,所有的事她都沒有辦法符合這個教育體制的標準和要求。 

It was confronting for a self-confessed goody-two-shoes former prefect like me (why can't you just hand in the assignments on time?!), and deeply frustrating and painful to watch (wouldn't it be so much easier for you to just follow the damn rules?!). Thirty years earlier, I had ticked all the boxes, hit all my marks, played every sport possible, studied hard and did the best as I could. For me, school was a bit of a breeze; the stakes didn't feel that high.

這些對我這個自認很優秀完美的母親來說,是多麼不堪 (你就不能按時交作業嗎?!),看著這樣的女兒,我覺得很難過很心痛 (遵守那些規定有那麼難嗎?!) 三十年前,我一一完成了所有的步驟,達到所有的目標,幾乎所有的運動我都會玩,而且我努力念書,一切盡我所能。對我來說,學校還蠻輕鬆的,沒費我什麼力氣。 

And here, with my first child, I was confronted by the anti-me, not mini-me. A child who - for whatever reason - would not tick any boxes. In adults we revere disruptive thinkers - thinking "outside the box" is a trait to be admired - but in kids we want round pegs for round holes. Particularly at school.

但在我面前的,我的第一個孩子,卻是我的「反版」而不是「翻版」。一個什麼步驟都不願去完成的孩子。在成人的世界裏,我們會推崇非傳統思維,跳出框框思考的人。但是對小孩子呢,我們卻要他們和框框完全吻合,特別是在學校裏。 

And so there were countless threats of detention and suspension, and me in the deputy principal's office on many occasions looking for answers, trying desperately not to cry, and failing miserably every time.

我不知面對了多少次留校察看和開除的警告。很多次為了尋找答案走進副校長室的我,想努力含住淚水,但每次都決堤了。

It was difficult for her family, and difficult for her teachers.

不管是她的家人還是她的老師們,都覺得很痛苦。 

But it was difficult for no one more than her.

但最痛苦的她自己。 

Every day of my daughter's high school life was like an enormous mountain to climb, and very often she didn't scale it. It was a daily struggle just to get her ready to go. When she did make it to school, if she could make it past the park bench where she would sit and watch her friends continue on, the urge to flee overtook all sense. She panicked and froze while the noise of anxiety drowned out everything a teacher might be trying to teach her. She slipped further and further behind in her work; the anxiety got worse.

每天女兒上高中的日子就像爬一座高山,但她常常一點都不想去爬。每天要讓她出門都很困難。就算她真的出門了,等她走到經常坐著看同學經過的公園長椅那裏時,她就會想不顧一切的逃學回家。焦慮會讓她非常慌張,不知所措,甚至聽不見老師在說什麼。她的功課越來越落後,而她的焦慮越來越嚴重。 

Expectations, hopes, and dreams were revised on a daily basis, systematically lowered to the point that by the end of school - which she desperately wanted to finish because not finishing would make her feel even more like a failure - we were just hoping that she made it through another day unscathed and unharmed, and school success be buggered. In a funny way it was liberating not to enlist in the final year of school stress programme all my friends were trapped in, and the three weeks of her final exams were the most relaxing of all her high school years; it was almost over, her freedom was in sight.

我們不斷地修正和降低對她的期待、盼望和夢想。到了高中快上完的時候 -- 她一直渴望能上完,因為如果不能上完,她會覺得自己更失敗 -- 我們只希望她能安然度過每一天,至於學業就去它的了吧。好笑的是,沒有像其他人一樣參加學校最後一年的壓力管理課程,讓我們覺得如釋重負。而期末考那三個禮拜是她上高中以來最輕鬆的一段時間。一切就要結束,自由已經不遠了。 

Looking back, I can see that these terrible years can be partly explained by my daughter's personality - her rejection of judgment of any kind, her anxiety about competition and the need for winners and losers - but it says much more about the increasing systemic pressure on kids today and she was, is, by no means alone. More and more kids are feeling anxious about school, finding the pressure too much, and reporting school stress as the source of their anxiety and depression.

現在回顧那段可怕的日子,我了解部份原因是來自我女兒的個性。她不喜歡任何方式的評斷,她對競爭感到焦慮,她不認同輸贏的觀念。但是這個現象更說明了現在的體制給孩子們的壓力與日俱增,而我女兒絕對不是唯一的一個。越來越多的孩子對學校感到焦慮,覺得壓力太大,聲稱學校壓力是他們焦慮和憂鬱的來源。 

And as our definitions of success become ever-more focused on academic outcomes through a narrow set of standard indicators, more and more kids feel like failures. But even those who succeed suffer too: for so many kids, the pressure is unbearable and they will find ever more disturbing pressure valves. They starve themselves until they are skin and bones, risk-take and self medicate, or they carve neat lines into their flesh.

當成功的定義變成用一套嚴苛的標準來衡量學習的成績時,越來越多的孩子會覺得自己很失敗。即使那些成功的孩子,他們也不好受: 很多孩子因為壓力太大,會藉很多可怕的途徑尋求解脫。他們把自己餓到骨瘦如柴,嘗試危險行為、嗑藥,或是在身上劃出一道道的傷痕。 

I've lost count of the number of conversations with other parents expressing confusion, dismay, and, very often, deep emotional distress about what's happening to our kids. Where does this damn pressure come from? It wasn't like this when we were kids, was it?

我不記得有多少次和其他家長分享過,我們對孩子的表現不僅感到困惑、錯愕而且非常難過。這些壓力是從那裏來的? 我們小時候並沒有這些壓力吧。

Well no, it wasn't. We can look back and recall more carefree days, a system more accepting of different types of kids, and it's not just nostalgia. In the space of a generation the pressure on kids has been ramped up, our definition of success has become pro forma, while at the same time mental health disorders are on the rise.

是的,沒有。記憶中我們的日子悠閒多了,體制上也更包容不同類型的孩子,這並不是懷舊之說。僅僅一代之隔,孩子承受的壓力已經大到非同小可。我們對成功的定義變得如此制式,而心理問題卻與日俱增。 

Add to the educational pressure the endless parade of judgment they face the minute they get online, and it's no wonder that kids are anxious.

不僅僅是學習的壓力,孩子們還在網路上遭受各種不同價值觀的轟炸,難怪他們會焦慮不安。

I often think that if the internet and smart phones had been around when I was a teenager I would have developed anxiety too. But life was a low-key mix of hanging out by the creek with the local kids, of Brady Bunch re-runs and walks to the corner shops, and endless hours of boredom in our bedrooms by ourselves, being ourselves, finding ourselves. It was much, much easier to build a strong sense of self to get you through those vulnerable and excruciating teenage years.

我常想,如果在我少女時代就有網路和智慧型手機,我大概也會變得很焦慮。但是我的青少年生活非常簡單,我會在河邊和附近的孩子玩耍,看喜劇「布雷迪家庭」的重播,漫步到街角的商店,還有很多時間是一個人在房間裏無聊發呆,和我自己共處,認識我自己。這樣的生活很容易建立一個穩固的自我意識,幫助我度過青澀難捱的青少年時期。

Today kids experience more and more adult-like stresses at younger and younger ages when they don't have the resources to deal with them; if we take a compassionate view, we know that maladaptive or challenging behaviour is not the result of "naughty" children who choose to be that way, but children whose ability to cope is outstripped by the demands being placed upon them.

現在的孩子越來越早要面對成人階段的壓力,但他們還不具備因應的能力。如果我們能用一個仁慈的眼光來審視,我們就會了解孩子的適應力不好或反抗的行為,並不是因為他們故意不聽話,而是外界對他們的期待已經超出他們的能力範圍。

The precious bubble of childhood is burst to make way for a scheduled life of study, achievement, competition, and school perceived as a training ground for adulthood. This is real life, kid, you better get used to it.

寶貴的童真泡沫已經破滅,取而代之的是課業、成就、競爭和已經被視為成人儲備訓練場的學校。孩子,這才是現實,你最好現在就開始習慣。 

And parental expectations are hard to shake. We've all internalised society's messaging about success, we don't know any other way to talk about education except in terms of grades and numbers. Even while we know that a number can't describe a child, in the race that education has become, we all want our own kids to get ahead, to have a head start. They're all gifted and talented; they should all be at the top of the class.

而父母的期望是難以動搖的。我們早已認同這個社會對成功的定義,我們只會用成績和數字來衡量教育的結果。即使我們知道數字不能說明一個孩子,但在教育淪為一場競技時,我們都希望我們的孩子能領先別人,贏在起跑點。他們都是有天賦有才華的孩子,他們都應該拿第一

I'm ashamed when I look back and see how long it took me to stop challenging my daughter and start challenging the one-size-fits-all system that was, in fact, failing her.

當我回想這一切時,我覺得很羞愧,因為經過了好久我才開始停止對女兒的責難,我才開始了解真正該被責難的是這個制式化的體制,真正失敗的是這個體制。

For too long I tried to get her to join me in my own submission to the unquestioned rules, tried to get her to conform to fit a system and, in retrospect, her refusal to play the game was so much braver than my willingness to be compliant in the face of authority.

多年來,我要求她和我一起向這套不容質疑的規則屈服,我要她去適應這個制度。但現在回想起來,拒絕這個遊戲規則的她比向權威低頭的我更有勇氣。

And we are mostly compliant in accepting that this is the way it is and we just have to get through it. We read books about how to help our kids cope with the pressure, but we don't actually think of reducing that pressure.

大部份的人都是乖乖地接受事實,想辦法撐過去。我們從書籍中尋找幫助孩子應付壓力的方法,但我們卻不曾想過如何去減少那個壓力。

It wasn't until the moment my daughter finished school - she sent me a text, "just finished!!!!!!" when she walked out of her final (yes, failed) exam - that I could take a breath and start thinking about it.

一直到女兒結業 – 她發給我一封簡訊: 「剛剛結束了!!!!!!」 , 她走出期末考試時 (沒錯,她沒有考過) -- 我才能鬆一口氣,開始有餘力思考這些事。

As a mother I wanted to find out what had gone wrong for my daughter, not just for her sake but for her two younger brothers, too. As a journalist I started asking about what is going wrong for too many kids, about this pressure, where it comes from, and what it's for.

身為一個母親,我想知道我女兒的問題倒底出在那裏,不僅僅是為了她,也為了她兩個弟弟。同時,身為一個新聞業者,我開始探討很多孩子的問題倒底是出在那裏,關於這些壓力,它們倒底來自那裏,又是為了什麼。

When I did so, I went from a world where only my child mattered into a world where every child matters, and what I learnt changed me as a thinker, and it changed me as a parent.

在這個過程中,我的關心從自己的孩子擴展到所有其他孩子身上,我學到的東西改變了我的想法和身為一個家長的作風。 

I never really went in for the concept of learning lessons from your kids until my daughter, my beautiful failure, taught me so much. She taught me to rethink the meaning of success, she taught me to question authority - including my own - and most importantly, she taught me that we must pay close attention to who our children are, not who we want them to be.

我從沒想過可以從孩子身上學到什麼,一直到我女兒,這個美麗的敗筆教給我這麼多東西。她教我重新思考成功的定義,她教我要質疑權威 – 包括我自己。最重要的,她教會我,我們該做的是去認識我們孩子的本性,而不是要他們成為我們所期待的人。

 * Judy H 譯 *






About Lucy Clark

Lucy Clark is the author of “Beautiful Failures: How the Quest for Success is Harming our Kids”. She is a journalist and editor with 31 years experience in newspapers and magazines in Sydney, London and New York. She has worked as a literary editor, features writer, and opinion columnist and is now a Senior Editor at Guardian Australia.

關於露西‧克拉克

露西‧克拉克「美麗的敗筆: 追求成功對孩子的傷害」一書的作者。她是位資深新聞業者和編輯,有31年的從業經驗,曾任職雪梨、倫敦和紐約的報社和雜誌社。她擔任過文學編輯、專欄作家和社論作家,目前是澳洲「衛報」 的資深編輯。




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