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心理的故事 : 我「走過」情緒 / Going Through My Emotions





By Judy H


幾天前去牙醫那裏做例行性的洗牙。每次看牙的經驗都不是很舒服,所以每次要去看牙醫時心裏都有些掙扎。

I went for a routine dental cleaning the other day. Seeing a dentist was never a pleasant experience for me so it upsets me a little every time I need to go see him.

洗牙前,我同意先照X光,因為上一次做已經是三年前的事了。洗牙的過程還算順利,不過牙醫發現有顆牙可能快蛀了,他說可以先觀察看看,下次來時再處理。我覺得有點沮喪,因為過去六個月我很小心地呵護我的牙齒,想不到還是不能全數過關。

Before the cleaning began, I agreed to have x-rays taken on my teeth because it was last done three years ago. The cleaning went well and the dentist found a “possible” cavity that he said we could put on hold until my next visit. This finding stirred my feelings as I expected to get a clean bill since I had very carefully taken care of my teeth during the past six months.

不想讓問題變得更大,我請醫生立刻將這可疑的洞補起來。另外有三顆牙因為牙齦有點萎縮,暴露的牙根有些敏感,牙醫師也主動為它們加上了一層保護層。這樣張著嘴九十分鐘之後,我覺得有點累了。

I didn’t want this possible cavity to turn into a bigger issue so I decided to have it fixed right away. The dentist also patched up three other places where the lower parts of the teeth were exposed due to the receding gums. I felt a little tired after keeping my mouth open for 90 minutes.

做完這些填補工作後,牙醫師在電腦上打開我的X光片。它們看起來有點讓人擔心,有些地方牙齦已經萎縮造成骨質流失。我不安的情緒開始變成恐懼。「你可以考慮做深度洗牙。」牙醫師若無其事地說。

At the end of these operations, it was time to look at my x-rays. It was not a pretty scene. The x-rays showed that I had receding gums and bone loss in a few areas. I could feel my unsettling feeling becoming fearful as I got concerned. “You can consider having a deep cleaning,” casually said the dentist.

「深度洗牙? 那是什麼東西? 我從來沒有聽說過。」我開始有點緊繃。

“Deep cleaning? What is that? I never heard of it.” I began to feel a little nervous.

「就是清洗在牙齦下面的牙齒部份。那會有點疼,所以做的時候要上麻藥。」牙醫師向我解釋。

“It cleans deeper on the teeth below the gumline. It will cause pain so we will need to numb your teeth if you decide to do it,” said the dentist. 

這種洗牙過程聽起來有點嚇人,我可以感覺到我的恐懼感正在直線上升。

I felt the feeling of fear rising up to my throat as the dentist was explaining this scary procedure to me. 

在回家的路上,我腦子裏一直想著深度洗牙的恐怖畫面。一到家我立刻上網查詢,當然我最關心的是這種洗牙方式是否會對我寶貴的牙齒造成傷害。

The dreadful picture of having a dental deep cleaning was playing in my head as I was on my way home. I did research on the Internet the minute I got home and of course, my focus was on all the possible negative impact this procedure might have on my precious teeth. 

意識到我的心情一直往下滑,我想還是關掉網路去準備晚飯吧。當天晚上沒有再多想這件事,但心裏還是有些擔心。

Feeling my mood spiraling down, I decided to close the Internet to prepare dinner. While the worry about my teeth subsided for that night, it did not really go away. 

第二天晚上吃飽飯沒事做,我又想起了牙齒的事,決定找先生商量一下。但是討論的結果不僅沒有消除我的恐懼,反而讓我覺得焦慮和沮喪。我覺得好有挫折感,而且很生氣。怎麼搞的,我還是有那麼多恐懼,過去的學習心得到那裏去了? 我為什麼不能像別人一樣那麼冷靜?

The next day after dinner when my mind had nothing better to think about, this dental issue came back to bother me. I decided to turn to my husband for help but the discussion with him only pushed my fear to anxiety and then to depression. I was feeling anger and frustration with myself. What’s wrong with me? Why do I still have so much fear after all my learning and realizations? Why haven’t I learned to keep my head like everyone else? 

也就是說當我心懷恐懼的時候,我開始責備自己搞不定牙齒的問題和自己的情緒。恐懼本身沒有那麼可怕,真正可怕能把我們推到情緒谷底的是我們對自己的責備和不滿 !

So while experiencing fear, I was blaming myself for not being able to cope with this dental problem and my emotions. Fear itself was not so powerful; it was the blaming and frustration with myself that pushed me over the edge! 

這時我好想掉眼淚,但我把它忍住了,因為等一下會和鄰居碰面,不想把眼睛哭腫了出去。

I was ready to burst into tears but tried to hold them back because I was supposed to meet with my neighbor in a few minutes and I didn’t want to go out with red and swollen eyes. 

我按捺住自己的情緒,草草和鄰居說完話。回到房間裏,我的眼淚就決堤了。當淚水流下面頰的時候,我感覺心中那些不好的情緒也隨之傾巢而出,滿腔的負能量也隨著淚水釋放出來。接下來的十分鐘,我的情緒開始平復下來。之後的第二天,我可以平靜地思考我該如何面對我牙齒的問題。

I managed to hold up my emotions and quickly finished the conversation with my neighbor. Back to my bedroom, I burst into tears. With the tears running down my cheeks so were all my bad feelings out of my chest. I felt all the negative energy that had been swelling up inside my body was released with my tears. In the next 10 minutes, I was regaining my senses. The following day I was able to think about the strategies to deal with my dental issue. Not only did my crying release my emotions, it eased my worry about my teeth. 

後來當我回頭看這件事時,我明白了艾妮塔‧穆札尼說的話:『「走出」恐懼最好的方法是「走過」它。』 憂慮、苦惱甚至想辦法去對抗情緒都是沒有用的,我真正需要的是大哭一場。但是我一開始並不想這麼做,因為我認為用哭面對情緒是不恰當、不成熟的行為。

Later when I looked back on this incident, I realized what Anita Moorjani meant when she said “the best way out of fear is to go through it." All the time I was fretting, agonizing and even trying to fight off my emotions, I should have just given myself a good cry. Instead, I tried to hold it because I didn’t think it was a proper and mature way to handle my emotions.

也許是不成熟,也許是孩子氣,但我應該在乎別人的看法,讓自己的情緒發展下去? 還是應該愛我自己,用自己認為最有效的辦法去化解它?

Well, it may not be “mature” and look childish to other people, but should I really care about what they think of me and let my bad feelings ruin my day? Or should I love myself and do whatever is right for me to take care of myself? 

面對自己的情緒有時並不容易,面對的方法也因人而異。有人會去跑步,有人會去抹地板、找朋友聊聊、做個蛋糕、搥枕頭、像我一樣大哭,或甚至把窗戶關起來在車子裏大叫。不管是什麼方法,只要能幫助你釋放情緒,而不會傷害自己或別人,請儘管去做,「走過」你的情緒吧。這是你的人生,只有你有資格掌控你的情緒。

Facing up to our emotions can be scary and each of us handles them differently. It may be going out for a run, mopping the floor, talking to a friend, baking a cake, punching a pillow, crying like me or even screaming in your car with the windows rolled down. Whatever it is, as long as it helps you release your emotions and does not harm yourself or other people, go and do it to “walk through your emotions.” It is your life so let you be the owner of your emotions. 

最重要的是,當我們面對不舒服的情緒時,我們應該要更愛自己情緒的殺傷力沒那麼大,真正的殺手其實是我們對自己無情的批判、責難和不滿!

Above all, let’s try to love ourselves when we go through difficult feelings. They are not really harmful. It is the judging, blaming and hating of ourselves that will push us over the cliff! 

從這個經驗我學到兩件事:

1. 心情不好的時候不要批評或責備自己。這時更需要疼惜自己。
2. 允許自己用一個安全有效的方式「走過」情緒,不用在乎別人的眼光。

So what are the two lessons I learned from this experience? 

1. Don’t judge or blame myself when I go through difficult feelings. What I need is to love myself even more at a time like this. 
2. Allow myself to deal with my emotions in a safe and effective way, without the need for other people’s approval. 

你覺得以上也會對你有幫助嗎?

Do you think this will also help you ?



相關文章:
「正面思考,還是...做自己 ? 」(艾妮塔‧穆札尼)
「難過時請善待自己」(珍妮佛.克莉斯曼)

You may be interested in these posts: 
“Being Positive? Or Being Yourself ?” By Anita Moorjani 
“Why Letting Ourselves Feel Bad Is the Key to Feeling Better” By Jennifer Chrisman

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心理的故事: 我在抗拒什麼 ? Give Your Resisting Thought A Chance

Give Your Resisting Thought A Chance


 
By Judy H

幾個月前,一位十四年沒見的朋友傳來簡訊,說她會來我住的這一帶旅遊,如果方便的話希望和我見上一面。我看到這個訊息的第一個反應是: 哦,天哪,怎麼會 … ?

A few months ago, a friend of mine whom I had not seen for 14 years told me in a text message that she would be traveling to this area where I lived and would like to meet with me if I happened to be in town. The first thought I had when I saw this message was: Oh no, what am I going to do?

我和這位朋友其實不熟。十四年前我們一起上過繪畫課兩個月,從此再也沒見過面。雖然班上同學現在已分散到世界各地,不少人還保持聯絡,最近甚至成立了一個網路聊天小組保持聯絡。但我和這位要來訪的「同學」除了在網上大家偶爾交流一下,其實沒什麼交情。

This friend was not close to me. We were in the same painting class for a couple of months 14 years ago and had never met since then. Though many of us in the class, now living in different parts of the world, had stayed in contact with each other and recently formed an online chatting group which we both joined, my relationship with this “classmate” was nothing more than  a “virtual” one in a group.

除了看到簡訊時那個抗拒的念頭,接下來我開始擔心: 我們十四年沒見了,有什麼話可講? 這麼多年沒見,我現在看起來是什麼模樣? 她會不會覺得我老好多? 我家看起來會不會太寒酸? 也許該把客廳的茶几布換一下? 總之,我「心理上」覺得和這位朋友碰面不會是件愉快的事,我只是要應付一下,越快結束越好。

Following my first reaction to my friend’s text message, I started to have other worrying thoughts: we have not met for 14 years, what are we going to talk about? How would I look to her after so many years? Would she think that I look older than my age? Would my home be too modest to her? Should I change the coffee table cloth? Overall, I decided “in my mind” that the meeting with this friend would not be a pleasant one; it would just be a show that I needed to put on and get over with as soon as possible.

我有兩個選擇。如果我覺得真的很不想和這位朋友碰面,我可以「善待自己」,找個藉口告訴她,她來此地的期間我不會在家。但是,我感覺內心有個很小的聲音在告訴我: 「也許你的想法並不正確。」

I had two choices. I could tell a white lie that I would not be available during her visit if I believed that the get-together would be very uncomfortable for me and I should not force myself to go, if I loved myself. However, there was a tiny voice in my head trying to tell me : “Maybe what you think is not true.”

我選擇了聽從那個微小正面的聲音。

Somehow I gave in to that little positive voice.

我一直很擔心我們會沒有話講。的確,剛開始見面寒喧時有十分鐘不太自在,但那個感覺沒有持續太久,接下來我們暢談了三個小時。我們有十多年的事可以分享,午餐的時間實在太短。吃過飯後,我邀請她到家裏坐坐,喝杯茶再多聊一會兒,一直到她必須離開赴下一場的約會,我們才分手。

I was worried about having little to talk about. The first 10 minutes at the restaurant was a little uncomfortable as we greeted each other. But that discomfort quickly dissipated and followed by three hours of a joyful conversation. It turned out that we had a lot to catch up and the lunch was just too short. I ended up taking her home to have a sip of tea so that we could talk a little bit more before she had to leave for her next appointment.

我們是不是經常做這樣的事 把事情想得很壞,但實際上沒有那麼糟糕?

Don’t many of us do this all the time – thinking that things would be bad when they actually turned out to be much better ? 

我覺得這種心理上的抗拒,包括和這位朋友碰面和其他狀況,是因為過去不愉快的經驗在心理上形成了一個習慣性的負面反應。這種負面的反應模式其實是為了保護我不再受到其他的傷害或不愉快的情緒,但這種反應的確也讓我變得退縮,讓我失去很多獲得人生樂趣和自我成長的機會。

I think my resistance to meeting with this friend and in other situations came from my conditioned pattern of negative thinking that was created and reinforced over the years by unpleasant experiences I had in the past. I began to see that the negative thinking pattern works as a mechanism to protect me from being hurt or experiencing uncomfortable feelings, but it actually holds me back many times from opportunities or challenges that I may enjoy or help me to grow as a person.

下次當我心理再有類似的抗拒反應時,我想這樣問自己: 
 --           這個負面的念頭它合理有根據嗎?
-- 如果我採信了這個負面的念頭,而結果也真的如我想得一樣糟,我會有什麼損失也許有段短時間我會感到不太舒服,但果真如此,我是不是可以選擇放下這種感覺,讓它很快地過去? 
-- 我可以用一個好奇的心理去面對這個狀況,去發掘它會帶給我什麼驚喜嗎?

Next time I find myself experiencing some kind of resistance, I think I am going to ask myself:
-- Is the negative thought justified? 
-- If I believe in my negative thought and it turns out to be just as bad, what do I have to lose?
-- Could it be just a few moments of awkwardness that I could let go quickly if they did happen?
-- Can I handle the situation with a sense of curiosity to find out what it has in store for me?

你覺得這些問題也可以幫助你放開自己去面對生活上的挑戰嗎?

Do you think these questions would help you open up to new challenges in your life as well?


相關文章 / You may also like:
心理的故事 : 我「走過」情緒 / Going Through My Emotions 


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難過時請善待自己 / Why Letting Ourselves Feel Bad Is the Key to Feeling Better


Why Letting Ourselves Feel Bad Is the Key to Feeling Better

包容壞情緒是轉變的開始



來源 / Source:
http://www.tinybuddha.com/blog/why-letting-ourselves-feel-bad-is-the-key-to-feeling-better/


By Jennifer Chrisman
作者: 珍妮佛.克莉斯曼


 “The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.” ~Unknown

「你越隱藏自己的感覺,它就會越明顯。你越否定自己的感覺,它就會越強烈」~ 無名氏


For as long as I can remember, I have been on a quest to heal myself. From a very young age I can remember feeling different from my peers. I was always painfully shy and paralyzed with insecurity and fear, which left me in a constant state of self-criticism.

似乎從有記憶以來,我就一直在設法療癒自己。從小我就覺得自己和別人不一樣。我很害羞不自在,覺得害怕缺乏安全感,所以總是畏畏縮縮。這種個性讓我經常處在批評自己的狀態。

Hardships in my young life, including the suicide of my father, left me with the belief that life was just hard.

小時候一些不幸的遭遇,包括父親的自殺,讓我相信活著是件辛苦的事。

Unfortunately, I also thought that it wasn’t supposed to be and that something was wrong with me because I had so much pain in my life. My head swirled with shame wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get over this, or that?”

不過,我不覺得事情應該如此,而且因為我的人生帶給我很多痛苦,我認為問題是出在我身上。我腦子裏充滿了羞愧和問號: 「我是那裏出了問題 ? 為什麼我不能克服這個,或那個呢?

My solution to the pain I felt was to basically wage war on myself and conquer all of the difficult feelings I experienced.  

我對痛苦的解決之道,基本上是對自己展開一場戰爭,去對抗所有情緒上的困擾。

I truly believed that I just needed to figure out the right formula, accomplishments, and milestones, and then I wouldn’t have these painful feelings and I would finally feel okay in my skin.

我確信只要知道正確的方法,掌握住一些目標和關鍵點,我就不會再有這些難過的情緒,我就可以坦然地做我自己了。

Along the way, I hit all of the targets I had identified: I lost weight, I earned degrees, I made money, I did lots of therapy; I created a life for myself where everything looked the way it was supposed to, but I still struggled with fears and insecurity.

這一路走來,我達到了所有的目標 : 減重,拿到學位,賺了錢,而且接受了很多治療。我的人生在各方面都變得很理想,但是我仍然感到恐懼和缺乏安全感。

This mission I was on to fix myself only added insult to injury, because my primary thought process was that something was seriously wrong with me and if I wanted to be happy, like I thought everyone else was, then I needed to stop having what I had deemed “bad” feelings.  

我對自己進行的這個修復工作只讓我的傷痛更加不堪,因為我的基本邏輯是我本身有嚴重的問題。我認為別人都很快樂,如果我想要和他們一樣,我就不能再有我所認為的「壞」情緒。

Rather than giving myself a break, I found the path of greatest resistance.

我不僅沒有放過自己,而且決定採取全面對抗的策略。

I was in a constant battle with myself, where every time I had an uncomfortable feeling I jumped on myself for feeling that way and immediately set out to change that feeling. I couldn’t distinguish the difference of “I’m having a ‘bad’ feeling,” from “I am bad.”

結果我總是處在和自己作戰的狀態。每當心情不好時,我會責備自己,並且立刻想辦法去改變那個情緒。我不能分辨「心情不好」和「我不好」是兩回事。

When we react negatively to our own negative emotions, treating them as enemies to be overcome, eliminated, and defeated, we get into trouble. Our reactions to unhappiness can transform what might just be a brief, passing sadness into a persistent dissatisfaction and overall unhappiness.

如果我們用負面的手段去對待負面的情緒,把它們當成敵人一樣去抵抗和殲滅,情況只會更糟糕。這個反應可能會將一個原本偶然短暫的悲傷變成一個揮之不去的陰霾。

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to avoid emotional pain, it follows us everywhere. Difficult emotions, like shame, anger, loneliness, fear, despair, confusion, are a natural part of the human experience. It’s just not possible to avoid feeling bad.

不幸的是,不管我們怎麼努力去避免痛苦的情緒,它仍然會如影隨行。不愉快的情緒,諸如羞愧、憤怒、寂寞、恐懼、沮喪和不安,都是人性很自然的一部份,我們是不可能去避免的。

However, we can learn how to deal with difficult emotions in a new, healthier way, by practicing acceptance of our emotions, embracing them fully as they are, moment to moment. For me, this has meant creating space in my life for all of the parts of experience, the ups and the downs.

然而,我們可以學習用一種健康的方式去面對情緒上的困擾,我們可以練習在每個當下接受我們的情緒,包容它的存在。對我來說,這代表我要給所有 的生活體驗一個存在的空間,包括好的和不好的

Unfortunately, in Western culture very few of us have been given the tools to tolerate our own difficult feelings, or those of another person. Not only do we want to avoid feeling pain at all costs, we want to prevent the people we care about from feeling their own pain.

很遺憾,西方文化並沒有教我們太多如何接受自己或別人情緒困擾的方法。我們不僅想盡辦法要躲避不好的情緒,還希望我們所關心的人也能倖免。

Recently I found myself in a situation where I was confronted with a past loss, and although it has been two years since the loss, I found myself emotionally wrecked, as though it had just happened yesterday.

最近有些狀況勾起了我一個過往的傷痛。雖然那個傷痛已經過去兩年了,我發現我的心仍然嚴重受創,彷彿那不過是昨天的事。

In my sadness, I reached out to a few friends for comfort and was surprised at how difficult it was for them to tolerate my difficult emotions.

難過之餘,我轉向幾位朋友尋求慰藉,卻發現他們 很難接受我痛苦的情緒。

In an effort to help, they wanted to battle the sadness and told me things like I was sitting in self-pity and feeling sorry for myself; that I needed to practice more gratitude in that moment. Again, they weren’t trying to be hurtful; they were just trying to help me stop feeling sad.

他們好心想幫我,希望我能克服悲傷,說我不過是在自哀自憐,覺得自己很可憐,我應該學習感恩。當然他們並不是想傷害我,他們只是想幫助我停止悲傷。

Thankfully, I’ve done enough work on this path to know that that was not what I needed. In that moment, I simply needed to allow myself to feel sad.  

還好,在這個過程中我已經做了很多功課,知道那不是我需要的。在那一刻,我只需要容許自己一個悲傷的空間。

I knew the feeling wasn’t going to last forever and I had a choice, I could either drag it out by waging war on myself, or I could recognize that, for whatever reason, in that moment, I just felt sad.

我知道這個感覺不會永遠存在,我有選擇權。我可以選擇和自己對抗,讓這個情緒延續下去,或者我可以接受它 -- 不管是什麼原因,在那個時候我就是覺得悲傷。

Again, our reactions to our difficult emotions can transform what may have been just a brief, passing sadness (as was the case for me in this situation) into persistent dissatisfaction and unhappiness (two decades of my life).

如同之前說的,我們的反應可能會將一個原本偶然短暫的悲傷 (像我這個情況) 變成一個揮之不去的陰霾 (我過去20年的人生)

By learning to bear witness to our own pain and responding with kindness and understanding, rather than greeting difficult emotions by fighting hard against them, we open ourselves up to genuine healing and a new experience of living; this is self-compassion.

如果我們能學習容忍痛苦的感覺,用一個寬容和理解的心看待它,而不是用蠻力去對抗不愉快的情緒,我們就能給自己一個真正療癒和全新生活的機會。這就叫做「善待自己」

If you’re someone who is used to beating yourself up for feeling sad or lonely, if you hide from the world whenever you make a mistake, or if you endlessly obsess over how you could have prevented the mistake in the first place, self-compassion may seem like an impossible concept. But it is imperative that we embrace this idea if we are to truly live freely.

如果你在感覺悲傷或寂寞時會責備自己,如果你犯了錯之後就想躲起來,或者你會對一個可能可以避免的錯誤不斷地懊悔,「善待自己」這個觀念似乎有點不可思議。但是如果我們想要過一個真正自在的生活,這個觀念一定要有。

When we fight against emotional pain, we get trapped in it. Difficult emotions become destructive and break down the mind, body, and spirit. Feelings get stuck, frozen in time, and we get stuck in them.

和痛苦的情緒對抗只會讓我們作繭自缚。難過的情緒是有毀滅性的,會摧毀我們身心靈的健康。無法化解的情緒滯留在心裏,讓我們深陷其中不能自拔。

The happiness we long for in relationships seems to elude us. Satisfaction at work lies just beyond our reach. We drag ourselves through the day, arguing with our physical aches and pains. Usually we have no idea how many of these daily struggles lie rooted in how we relate to the inevitable discomfort of life. The problem is not the sadness itself, but how our minds react to the sadness.

親密關係似乎沒有帶給我們所渴望的快樂,工作上也得不到滿足。我們忍著身體上的疼痛,疲憊地度過每一天。我們不知道,其實很多這些日常的困擾和我們如何面對 生活中不如意的事有關。問題不是出在悲傷本身,而是出在我們的心如何面對悲傷。

Change comes naturally when we open ourselves to emotional pain with uncommon kindness. Instead of blaming, criticizing, and trying to fix ourselves when things go wrong or we feel bad, we can start with self-compassion. This simple, although definitely not easy, shift can make a tremendous difference in your life.

如果我們能寬容一點,用一個慈悲的心去面對不愉快的情緒,改變自然會發生。當不如意的事發生或感覺難過時,我們可以試著對自己仁慈一點,不要一味地去責備、批判或糾正自己。這種轉變也許知易行難,但它會為你創造一個不一樣的人生。

It’s important to remember that embracing your strengths and well-being does not mean ignoring your difficulties. We are measured by our ability to work through our hardships and insecurities, not avoid them.

我們都喜歡看自己的優點和生活中光彩的部份, 但這並不表示我們應該忽略我們所面臨的難題,這點很重要。我們的成長來自於經歷 每一個困境和不安,而不是逃避它們。

We are all fighting some sort of battle, and when we accept this truth for ourselves, and others, it becomes a lot easier to say, “I’m struggling right now and that is okay.”

每個人都有難關要過,如果我們能對自己和他人接受這個事實,就可以輕鬆地說出這句話: 「我現在有點困擾,但沒有關係。」

Not being okay all the time is perfectly okay.

不能時刻保有一個好心情其實是很OK的。

 

About Jennifer Chrisman

Jennifer Chrisman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in Los Angeles, where she specializes in using Mindfulness based approaches to help her clients find more meaning in their life.  To learn more, you can check out her website here, or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

關於珍妮佛.克莉斯曼
珍妮佛.克莉斯曼是一位在洛杉機執業的臨床心理學家。她擅於運用覺察意念(Mindfulness)的方法來幫助他人找到生命的價值。可以到她的個人網址臉書網頁推特找到更多有關她的資訊。



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