文章來源 / Source:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/need-please-ruining-life/
“We are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation.” ~Theodore Bagwell
「我們都被自我形象所約束，活在自己創造的牢籠裏 」 ~ 基爾多‧拜格華
By Ilene S. Cohen
作者: 艾琳‧柯恩
Have you ever thought you had to do what other people said or they wouldn’t love you?
你可曾這樣認為 – 你必須按照別人的話去做，否則他們就不會喜歡你?
Have you felt selfish for wanting to put your needs first, or guilty for setting limits with the people you care about?
當你想優先處理自己的事時，你會有自私的感覺嗎? 當你不想滿足你在乎的人對你的要求時，你會覺得歉疚嗎?
Have you learned that even when you’ve complied with everyone’s wishes and whims they still weren’t happy, and you weren’t either?
你可注意到，即使你順應了所有人的期望和各種要求，他們還是不滿意，而且你也不開心?
Welcome to the deception of people-pleasing. Welcome to the story of my life.
歡迎收看這個討好別人的騙局和我的人生故事。
There is no tragedy greater than being alive but not feeling it because you’re numb, aloof, and emotionless. For many years I lived that way, showing all the signs of being alive but never truly living. That’s because I felt a strong desire to give all of myself in order to pay back the world for everything I’d been given.
沒有比像行屍走肉般活著更悲哀的事了，因為這個人已經變得麻木、冷漠，沒有感覺。我就是這樣過了好多年，表面上看來是個活生生的人，但其實我從來沒有真正活過。因為我熱切地想要付出全部的自己，來回報這個世界給我的一切。
You see, I had the American Dream. I was granted many blessings, and by all accounts, I should have been happy. But I didn’t feel a thing—especially not happiness.
你知道嗎，我是懷抱著美國夢的。我在很多方面得天獨厚，所以我理應覺得快樂才是。但是我一點也沒有，特別是快樂的感覺。
It took me a while to identify the missing piece that kept me from truly experiencing my life: I wasn’t living as the person I really wanted to be. I was living my life to please others, make them happy, and follow society’s rules.
我花了一些工夫才明白是什麼阻擋了我過一個真實的人生: 我沒有做自己真正想做的那個人。我活在取悅別人的日子裏，讓別人高興，遵守這個社會的遊戲規則。
I thought I was doing the right thing; I truly believed, “Eventually, all this selfless work will bring me the happiness I deserve on a silver platter.” But it never really worked out that way. It seemed the more I did, the less fulfilled I felt.
我以為我的做法是對的，我確信: 「最終，所有這些無私的奉獻會帶給我無比的快樂。」但事情並不如我所預期。似乎我奉獻得越多，我越覺得空虛。
My early life experiences shaped me into a people-pleaser. Though I was grateful for everything I was given, I was also aware that I’d been born into difficult family circumstances. Pleasing others was my way of coping with it.
幼年時期的生活將我塑造成一個喜歡去討好別人的人。雖然我很感恩我所擁有的一切，但我也明白我生在一個很嚴苛的家庭裏。討好別人變成我一種生存的工具。
Like most young children, all I wanted was to gain my parents’ attention and approval. But praise was a scarce resource in my household, and both of my parents readily doled out criticism. I quickly become aware of how my actions affected them, so I acted in approval-seeking ways and suppressed my feelings in order to avoid punishment.
和其他小孩一樣，我希望得到父母的注意和認同。但讚美這件事在我家是很罕見的，我父母動不動就會出口批評。我很快就發現我的行為會影響他們，於是我開始做會得到他們認同的事，並且壓抑我的情緒以免受到懲罰。
I didn’t want to be criticized or berated in front of others, so I became the child, teenager, and adult of my parents’ dreams. They still found fault at times—which crushed me—but I ultimately did everything I could to make it up to them.
我不想在別人面前受到批評或斥責，所以我將自己變成父母眼中最得意的小孩、青少年和青年。他們有時還是會責怪我 -- 這讓我很傷心，但我總是會將功折罪來彌補他們。
This trap I had fallen into got deeper when my parents divorced. I tried to appease both of them by sticking myself in the middle of their marital battle and protecting my siblings from having to bear the brunt of their anger. I became my parents’ mediator, and this form of communication spiraled me into a deep depression that no one knew about but me.
我掉入的這個陷阱在我父母離婚時變得更深。我將自己夾在這場婚變中試圖安撫雙方，並避免弟妹不會被他們的怒火所波及。我變成我父母中間的調解人，但這樣的溝通方式只是把我捲入嚴重憂鬱的旋渦中，而且除了我自己之外沒有人知道。
I lost a lot of weight, my grades dropped in school, and I no longer found any pleasure in activities I once enjoyed. But with a brave face, I trudged along and dealt with it so that my siblings wouldn’t have to. I convinced myself that this was my way of fulfilling my duty as a daughter and avoiding criticism.
我的體重直線下降，成績也一落千丈，過去喜歡的事現在變得索然無味。但是我還是強顏歡笑硬撐下去，以免連累到弟妹們。我深信這是我身為女兒應盡的責任，也是我避免讓人批評的方法。
Growing up in these circumstances led me to believe I was responsible for how others felt. I learned to shape my personality, behaviors, and reactions according to what other people wanted or needed from me instead of being authentic to how I truly felt.
因為在這樣的環境下長大，我養成一個為別人的感受負責的習慣。我學會依照別人的要求或需要來調整我的個性、行為和反應，而不是反映我真實的感覺。
Because of my parents’ often extreme reactions to situations, I came to believe that I needed to change; but the truth is, their reactivity was their responsibility.
因為我父母常常對事情反應過度，所以我相信我必須改變自己。但事實是，他們的反應過度是他們自己該承擔的事。
You see, we tend to call people who display this pattern of behavior people-pleasers, doormats, or approval-seekers. We describe them as being selfless. People-pleasers rarely say no, are super responsible, spend most their time doing for others, and are viewed as the nicest kinds of people.
沒錯，我們通常把這種行為模式看成是討好別人，逆來順受或尋求認同。我們認為這種人是最無私的，他們很少拒絕別人，有高度的責任感，總是忙著別人的事，這種人是好人中的好人。
On the surface, it can seem like being a people-pleaser is the right thing to do; but over time, this identity wears a person down, and all that pleasing turns into an unhealthy pattern of behavior that doesn’t actually end up pleasing anyone in the long run.
表面上來看，討好別人好像沒有什麼不對。但長期下來，這樣做會耗損一個人的精力，變成一種很不健康的行為模式，而且到頭來其實誰都沒有被討好。
Your Identity
自我形象
I used to identify myself as being a good, nice, and selfless person who was always accommodating others.
我曾把自己的形象界定為一個無私、總是遷就別人的好人。
When I self-identified as having certain personality attributes, it dictated my actions and led me to believe I needed to act in certain ways to match society’s standard of how a good and nice person behaves.
當我認定自己具有某種人格特質以後，這個特質會決定我的行為，並且讓我相信我的行為必須符合這個社會對所謂好人的標準。
Even when my actions weren’t aligned with how I truly wanted to live my life, I found myself complying anyway. I worked hard to avoid looking selfish, unaccommodating, or disagreeable, and I avoided confrontation at all costs.
即使我的行為和我真正想過的人生不一致，我還是會照做。我極力避免被看成是一個自私、不隨和或難相處的人，而且我絕對不和人發生衝突。
I stopped this pattern when I came to realize that being a good person is a lot more complex than just accommodating the needs of others all of the time.
但當我明白做一個好人不是只要遷就別人就可以時，我就停止這樣的行為模式了。
When I realized that constantly giving in wasn’t as loving as I thought it was, and that the way I was acting didn’t come from a loving place at all but from a place of guilt and inadequacy, that’s when I decided to go from people-pleasing to living life on my own terms.
當我明白一味地遷就別人並不表示我有愛心，況且我的出發點並不是來自我關心別人，而是來自一種歉疚和欠缺的感覺，我就決定用自己的方式過日子，不再取悅別人了。
That’s when I started to evolve from selfless to self-full. That’s when I deconstructed my identity as a people-pleaser and restructured my life. That’s when I decided that living my own life was more important than my parents’ approval of me.
從那時起，我開始從「沒有自我」逐漸轉變成一個「滿足自我」的人; 我開始打破一個取悅別人的自我形象，重新建構我的生活; 我開始相信過一個屬於我的人生比贏得父母的認同重要。
If the need to please has been running your life, here are some ideas to support your shift from selfless to self-full.
如果你也活在取悅別人的日子裏，以下這些觀念可以幫助你從「沒有自我」轉變成先「滿足自我」。
1. Understand that other people are responsible for themselves.
明白別人該對他們自己負責
Being a people-pleaser allowed me to overlook one important fact: other people are responsible for themselves and their own problems.
當我取悅別人時，我忽略了一項很重要的事實: 別人的事和問題應該由他們自己負責。
Somewhere down the road I decided that other people’s problems were my problems. I believed it was my responsibility to make other people feel better. For as long as I can remember, I played the caretaker role in my life; but all it got me was a burdening sense of obligation and crippling anxiety.
不知從什麼時候起，我開始把別人的問題當成是自己的問題。我認為別人的情緒好壞是我的責任。有很長一段時間，我總是扮演一個照顧者的角色，而這帶給我的只是沈重的責任感和焦慮。
It’s important for you to remember that you aren’t responsible for how others feel or act. If you try to please people because you’re scared of their reactions, that’s a sign that you need to start making a change.
這點很重要，你要記得你並不需要對別人的感覺或反應負責。如果你因為害怕別人的反應而去迎合他們，這表示你得改變你的想法。
You see, when you take on other people’s responsibilities, you’re allowing them to continue acting irresponsibly; you’re permitting and promoting their unhealthy patterns.
當你為別人承擔責任時，你是在默許他們不負責任的行為，你是在認可並鼓勵他們不健康的行為模式。
The next time you’re inclined to take on someone else’s stuff, ask yourself, Does taking on this person’s responsibilities really make me a good person? Is it actually kind to keep people from taking ownership of their own lives?
下次當你想把別人的問題攬在自己身上時，問問自己: 為這個人承擔責任會讓我變成一個好人嗎? 不讓別人為他們自己的人生負責是善意的表現嗎?
You’re likely to find that the answer is no, and then you can explore how to be supportive without taking over completely.
你會發現這個問題的答案應該是否定的，那麼你就會開始去探討如何去幫助別人而不要將全部的責任攬在自己身上。
2. Stop trying to keep the peace.
不必諸事和諧
I often used to wonder why I was surrounded by selfish people; from my perspective, everyone else was the problem. But on my journey to self-fullness I realized that they weren’t the problem; I was.
過去我不明白為什麼我的身邊總是圍繞著自私的人。從我的角度來看，每個人都有問題。但自從我開始先「滿足自己」後，我才了解有問題的不是別人，是我自己。
By trying to keep the peace in my relationships, I was overlooking the ways in which other people were taking advantage of me. I ignored their twisted priorities because I thought I should play nice all the time.
因為我總是盡力和別人維持一個和諧的關係，我沒有發現別人其實在佔我便宜。不管合不合理，我總是讓別人的事優先，因為我認為我應該永遠做一個好人。
It’s important to keep in mind that sometimes the better, more loving choice is the more uncomfortable, anxiety provoking one. Truly loving behavior calls for limits, boundaries, and saying no every once in a while.
但是我們應該要記得，有時讓人感覺不舒服或不安的作法其實對大家比較好。真正為大家著想的作法，應該是要對自己容忍的範圍設定底線，而且有時需要說「不」。
Some people will get upset with you or throw a tantrum like a two-year-old, but the cost of ignoring your boundaries is much greater than that. So stop thinking that keeping the peace is better for your relationships. The truth is it’s much better to be honest and upfront.
有些人可能會因此不高興或像兩歲的小孩一樣耍脾氣，但是讓人得寸進尺的後果會更嚴重。所以不要以為維持和諧對你的人際關係比較好。事實上，坦誠相對才是上策。
3. Know the consequences of seeking approval.
了解追求認同的代價
Living your life through fear of criticism and rejection doesn’t allow you to truly live at all. Constantly censoring yourself doesn’t allow you to see the freedom of choice that you really have. When you’re seeking approval all the time, you aren’t really growing.
擔心別人的批評和拒絕會阻礙你過一個真正屬於你的生活。經常檢視自己的一舉一動只會讓你失去你該享有的自由意志。如果你一再尋求別人的認同，你將很難開展自己。
My approval-seeking behavior stemmed from a belief that my mental health depended on my being liked; if people didn’t like me, I didn’t feel worthy. The consequence of this was that my value as a person was totally dependent on what other people thought of me. Any criticism made me feel terrible about myself, so I avoided it by acting in ways that would gain others’ approval.
我之所以會養成迎合別人的習慣，是因為我認為我的心理健康和別人喜歡我的程度有關。如果別人不喜歡我，我就覺得自己沒有價值。結果我把自己的價值和別人對我的看法劃上等號。別人對我的任何批評會讓我很難過，所以為了避免批評，我只能設法去贏得別人的認同。
I finally broke this pattern by placing more value on seeking approval from myself. By figuring out who I was and what I valued, I was able to create a stronger sense of self. When you know who you are and accept yourself, other people’s criticism doesn’t bother you too much at all.
我最終破除了這種行為模式，開始把重心放在尋求自己的認同上。藉由了解我自己是誰，我的價值觀是什麼，我得以建立一個穩固的自我意識。當你知道自己是誰並能接受自己時，別人的批評就不再會那麼困擾你了。
4. Become self-full.
先「滿足自己」
If you’re caught up in the people-pleasing cycle, you probably think it’s selfish to consider your needs first. Once you shift your idea of what it means to be a good person, like I did, you’ll see it isn’t selfish—but rather self-full–to put yourself first.
如果你也掉進了取悅別人的陷阱裏，你也許也認為把自己的需求放在前面是自私的。但是如果你能像我一樣，改變你對好人的定義，你會發現把自己先照顧好是「滿足自己」，而不是自私的行為。
Much of my desire to change came from realizing that if I didn’t start valuing myself, my relationships would suffer. Although it might seem counterintuitive, prioritizing your needs and gaining a strong sense of self is actually better for other people, because it serves to strengthen the relationships you have with them.
我想要改變的主要動力來自於我了解到，如果我不先重視自己，我的人際關係就會出現問題。雖然這聽起來有點矛盾，但是將自己的需求放在優先並且建立一個穩固的自我意識，對別人其實更好，因為這會使你和他們之間的關係更緊密。
It’s for this reason that placing your needs first is self-full rather than selfish. It’s about seeing your value and knowing your worth as a person. When you do this, others can start seeing your value also, and your relationships can start to transform.
因為這個理由，把自己的需求放在第一位是「滿足自己」而不是「自私自利」的行為。你應該先明白自身的價值，了解身為一個人的意義何在。當你做到這點時，別人才會開始肯定你的價值，這時你的人際關係就會開始往好的方面發展。
Final Thoughts
結語
The journey to self-fullness is all about trial and error. It’s about making mistakes, changing your behaviors, and asserting your own decisions.
走在這趟「自我滿足」的旅程上，你會不斷地嘗試錯誤。你會犯錯，改變你的作風，然後學會堅定你的抉擇。
I started to feel happy and truly alive when I started to get to know myself, learning when to say no and when to set limits in my relationships. It wasn’t easy. I had to get used to some criticism and disappointment; I had to grow a stronger backbone. However, I can say without hesitation that it was worth it. And I know it will be worth it for you, too.
當我開始認識自己，學會說「不」並且在人際關係中劃定界限以後，我開始覺得比較開心，而且更有活力。這並不容易。我必須習慣別人對我的批評和失望，我必須學習挺直我的腰桿。但是毫無疑問地，這一切都是值得的，而且我知道這對你也會是值得的。
Your life should be lived the way you want to live it. No one should have the power over you to dictate how you need to live your life. The more you get to know who you are, and the more boldly you begin to live life on your terms, the better you’ll feel about yourself.
你的人生應該用你希望的方式去過。沒有人有權利指使你該怎麼活。你越認識自己，你越勇敢地用自己的方式去活，你對自己的感覺會越好。
I no longer make decisions out of fear or wind up washed over with resentment. Now I do things for people because I want to, not because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t. I no longer need other people to make me feel worthy; I give that sense of worthiness to myself by knowing and accepting who I am.
我不再讓恐懼決定我的行為，我也不再活在怨恨不滿當中。如今的我助人是出於心甘情願，而不是出於罪惡感。我不再依靠別人來肯定自己的價值，因為經由了解和接受自己，我已經可以自我肯定。
It will serve you greatly to let go of the idea that people need saving and it’s your responsibility to do it. Somewhere down the road, you internalized the message that you have to be responsible for how others feel. But the truth is, you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings but your own.
如果你能放開這個觀念，不再認為別人需要你的救贖，你將會受益無窮。在成長的過程中，你學會為別人的感受負責。但事實是，你不需要為任何人的感受負責，除了你自己的。
You can’t live a healthy, happy life if you’re too busy managing your feelings and other people’s feelings at the same time. Remember, people can take care of themselves. That idea will leave room for you to take care of yourself, too.
如果你整天忙著兼顧別人和自己的情緒，要過得健康快樂是不可能的。記住，別人會自己照顧自己。這個觀念會為你騰出空間來關心自己。
* Judy H 譯 *
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
💙 Be Self-Full, because your cup has to be full first before you can share it with anyone else.
先「滿足自己」， 因為你必須先把自己的杯盛滿，才有可能和別人分享。💙
關於 艾琳‧柯恩
艾琳‧柯恩博士是一位家庭婚姻冶療師和部落客，並且在貝瑞大學的諮商學系擔任兼職教授。她熱衷於幫助別人達成目標，同時過一個充實又有意義的生活。讀者可以在doctorilene.com 讀到更多艾琳博士的文章。
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