作/譯者 By: Judy H
前幾天我從後院的果樹上摘了很多水果，我們家是吃不完的，於是心想「 分給鄰居吧」。這麼想的同時我有點猶豫，因為當時時間是傍晚6:45，或許人家正在晚餐呢。這時出現在他們家門口很冒昧吧?!
Just the other day I harvested a lot of fruits from trees in my
backyard. They were a lot more than my family could consume. “Maybe I can share
with our neighbors,“ I thought. At the same time I was debating if it was
appropriate to knock on their doors around 6:45 pm when people might be having dinner. I felt a
bit awkward picturing myself standing at their doors.
我們都有過這種經驗，我們想去做一件事但卻很猶豫，因為我們不確定那樣做會不會讓自己很難堪。比如說，你想去學吉他但一直拖著沒去找上課的地方或老師。你其實不確定自己是不是要去上課，因為你擔心吉他不好學，對自己沒信心。
We all have experiences when we have a desire to do
something but feel hesitant about doing it because we are not sure if it is going
to make us look bad to other people. For example, you have longed to learn to
play the guitar but have been procrastinating to find a class or teacher. You
aren’t feeling so sure about taking a lesson because you worry it is going to
be difficult and you don’t have confidence in yourself.
另外一個例子也許是，你有個朋友要出差幾天，想託你照顧一下她的貓。其實你最近在工作和家庭方面承受比較大的壓力，但你覺得很難對朋友說「不」，因為這位朋友曾經幫助過你。你覺得拒絕她的請託會讓她認為你這個人很差勁。
Another example would be that your friend asks you if you
could do her a favor by taking care of her cat while she is away on a business
trip. You have been feeling stressed lately with your work and family but you find it hard to
say “no” because this friend has helped you in the past. You feel that turning
down her request will make you a bad person.
還有很多其他的例子，包括你想邀請某人外出會約，但你害怕被拒絕。或者你在工作上遇到問題，你想和上司談一談，但你不知道該如何開口才會得到上司的支持，又不會顯得自己很無能。
Other examples may be that you want to ask someone out but
you are afraid of being rejected. Or there is an issue at work and you want to
talk to your supervisor about it but you aren’t sure how to bring it up so you
can get help without looking bad.
以上這些例子都和擔心某種「結果」有關。如果我失敗了呢? 如果朋友誤解我了呢?
如果我看起來很蠢呢? 如果我這麼做或說這些話他們會怎麼看我呢?
All of the above examples involve some kind of worry about “the consequences.” What if I fail? What if my friend misunderstands me? What if I look like a fool? What would they think of me if I say or do this?
看起來是事件可能的負面結果，阻礙了我們心裏想採取的某個行動。我們不喜歡失敗，我們討厭被拒絕，我們不希望別人覺得自己是個壞人。表面上看起來我們害怕的是一個失敗的結果，但實際上也許我們真正無法面對的是，不好的結果所產生的「難受情緒」。
It looks like it is the possibility of a negative outcome of
the event that deters us from taking the action in our mind. We don’t like
failures, we don’t like to be rejected and we don’t want to be considered a bad
person. On the surface, we are afraid of having failures but I wonder if what
we find it hard to cope with is the “unpleasant feelings” that come with the
undesired outcome.
我們擔心說錯話會難為情，我們不希望被別人拒絕受到傷害，我們不想在和上司溝通過後感到挫折和無助。這些難受的情緒往往被一般人用「害怕」或「焦慮」這個概括性的形容詞帶過。
We don’t want to feel embarrassed when we say something
inappropriate, we don’t want to feel vulnerable when people reject us, and we
don’t want to feel frustrated and helpless when we speak up but don’t get
support from our work supervisor. These
unpleasant feelings are often disguised by the general descriptor - fear or
anxiety.
回到先前我舉的例子，我對去敲鄰居的門這件事感到猶豫。當我躊躇不前時，我心裏在想什麼?
「如果打擾了他們吃飯很不好意思吧?」「如果我不知道該說什麼怎麼辦?」「如果他們覺得我的突然出現很打擾怎麼辦?」
Back to my scenario where I felt hesitant about knocking on
my neighbors’ doors - what was going on in my mind when I felt hesitant about doing it? “What if I
interrupt their dinner and I need to apologize?” “What if I say something
awkward?” “What if they think I am intrusive by showing up at their doors?”
我覺得我根本不想看到他們打開門時驚訝的表情，我不喜歡成為別人注意的焦點，我也極力避免在別人面前出糗的機會。我想當我想像自己出現在鄰居家門口時，我擔心自己會感到不好意思、難為情和不知所措。
I felt I didn’t even want to see surprise on their faces when
they opened the doors. I don’t like being put in the spotlight and I don’t want
a tiny chance of looking bad in front of other people. I think I was feeling shame, embarrassment and
vulnerability when I pictured myself showing up at my neighbors’ doorsteps.
當我意識到自己在猶豫時，我和自己有了一段對話: 「我在擔心什麼?」「我為什麼會在意他們怎麼看我?」「即使他們覺得我打擾到他們了，又如何呢…?」「我需要在意他們對我的評價嗎?」「我需要認同他們對我的看法嗎?」當下我明白了，我其實不夠肯定和愛自己。萬一鄰居不歡迎我的臨時到訪，因此對我產生負面的看法，我沒有信心我可以堅定地和自己站在一起，仍然堅信自己是個好人。幾分鐘之內我就得到了這個結論:
「我不應該讓別人對我的意見決定我的行動，我應該站穩立場，支持並相信自己是個什麼樣的人。」
When I was aware of my hesitation, I started a dialogue with
myself: “What do I care?” “Why am I concerned about how they might look at me?”
“Even if they consider me intrusive, so…?” “Do I need to take on their
judgement about me?” “Do I need to see myself the way they see me?” At that
moment, I realized I wasn’t supporting and loving myself as much as I wanted
to. I didn’t have the confidence that should my neighbors unwelcome my abrupt
visit and therefore hold a negative view about me, I was able to stand firm by
myself and still believe that I am a good person. Within minutes, I reached a
conclusion: “I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions about me determine my
action and I should stand by and support who I am.”
一旦我想明白了，我拿起了裝在袋子裏的水果，去敲了好幾個鄰居的門。我想我還是很留意他們對我突然出現的反應，但我決定不管我看到什麼表情，我都會相信和守護自己。當然，我錯估了我的鄰居們，他們都很高興地接受了我的禮物。
Once I had this figured out, I grabbed the fruit I had
bagged and went knocking on several of my neighbors’ doors. I think I was observing how they reacted to my surprise visit
but I decided I would believe in myself no matter what I saw on their faces. Of
course, I had misjudged my neighbors and all of them happily accepted my gifts.
這不過是一個很小的事件，和其他生活中的大事比起來，像是考大學或移居國外，這種事根本不值一提。但就是這些微不足道的小事佔據了我們人生大部份的時間。它們每天都會發生，在工作上、出門買東西、去看醫生、打電話給朋友、去餐廳吃飯、報名上課等等。
This is just a small and insignificant incident, nothing
like more important life events, such as taking a college entrance exam or
relocating to another country, but it is these trivial episodes that make up the
majority of our lifetime. They happen every day as we interact with someone at
work, go shopping, see a doctor, call a friend, dine at a restaurant, sign up
for a class, etc.
只要我們和外面的世界互動，這些事隨時都會發生並勾動我們的情緒。我們也許會認為是事件本身或情況決定了我們的心理狀態，我開始認為是我們的情緒，也就是我們對事件的內心反應，決定了我們的生活品質。
Every minute we are exposed to the world, things can happen to
trigger our feelings. While we tend to think that it is what happens - the situation
- that determines our mental state, I start to see that it is the feelings -
how we react to the situations emotionally - that determine the quality of our
lives.
如果我們覺得我們即將要做的事或說的話會讓自己不太好看，當我們出現這個念頭時，我們便陷入我們想像的不舒服感覺當中，我們會對要採取的行動感到裹足不前，而這個行動卻是我們迫切希望開展的靈魂想去做的，例如和上司溝通一件棘手的問題或上課學習一種新的技能。
The moment we think what we are going to do or say will make
us look bad to other people, we are trapped in our imaginary unpleasant
feelings and we become hesitant in taking the action that our soul desires for
its growth, whether it’s communicating a difficult issue to our boss at work or
taking a class to learn a new skill.
為什麼我們會產生不舒服的感覺，而且讓它勝過了自己靈魂的渴望? 這是我的經歷 – 當我陷入了假想的不愉快情緒當中時，我讓別人的眼光變成了自己的，而且我開始懷疑我就是他們所認為的那種人。我沒有守護好自己，我認同了我所以為在他們心中的形象。在開始擔心別人會如何看我的那一刻，我對我自己真正是誰失去了愛和信心。
Why do we experience unpleasant feelings and let them win over our
soul’s desires? This is what I experienced – the moment I fall into an illusory
unpleasant feeling, I let other people’s judgement become my own and I begin to
suspect that I am exactly what they think I am. I drop the support for myself
and become agreeable to the image of the person I think I will become in their
minds. In the moment of fearing what other people may look at me, I lose the love
and confidence about who I truly am.
也許你們曾經聽過身邊有人這樣說:「我不管了，我就是要這樣做。」面對別人的反對，他們所展現的是對自己完全的愛和信任。當他們說「我不管了」時，我並不是指他們不在乎一個不理想的結果可能帶來的實質後果，例如失去一份工作或一筆財富。我指的是他們不在乎那個結果是不是會對他們產生不愉快的情緒。我同意心理專家瓊安‧羅森伯格的看法
- 當我們能夠不在乎或克服我們的行為所可能帶來的不愉快情緒時，我們就可以無所畏懼地去採取我們想要採取的行動。
I wonder if you have the experience of hearing a friend or someone say: “I don’t care. I’m just going to do it.” What that person demonstrates is a total trust and love for herself/himself in the face of other people’s objection. When that person says he or she doesn’t care, I am not referring to the physical consequences of an undesirable outcome, such as losing a job or a big fortune. I am referring to the risk of going through unpleasant feelings. I agree with psychologist Dr. Joan Rosenberg that it is when we overlook or overcome the unpleasant feelings that may come with the undesired outcome of our action we will fearlessly take that action.
話雖如此，我了解大多數的人無法時時刻刻對別人的看法毫不在乎，因為我們是人，而且我們的成長方式讓我們養成了渴望別人認同的心理。我不知道是否有這麼一天我會足夠地愛自己，因而可以勇敢地去做我想做的事或說我想說的話。也許我這一輩子都會不斷地在靈魂的嚮往和想打退堂鼓保護自己的念頭之間猶豫徘徊。但每當我意識到落入這種猶豫時，我可以停下來和自己對話 – 提醒自己要支持、守護並選擇自己的靈魂。也就是我可以有意識的選擇愛自己的靈魂，超越自己不安的念頭。
Having said that, I understand that for most of us, it is almost impossible to always ignore other people’s opinions about us because we are human and we were brought up yearning for other people’s validations. I don’t know if I will ever become so “loving myself” that I will be able to do or say whatever I want. It is possible that I will always have that struggle between my soul who wants to soar and my mind who wants to withdraw to avoid being hurt. But whenever I become aware of the struggle, I know I can pause and have a dialogue with myself – reminding me to support, love and honor my soul. It is a conscious choice to override the fear of my mind with the love for my soul.
你是否曾經見過一個人本來很害怕去做一件事，一件對自己或別人很好的事，然後突然提起勇氣去做那件事?
在他們提起勇氣的瞬間，他們是卯足了對自己的愛，因而化解了忐忑不安的心理，採取了那個利己利人的行動。同樣地，一個奮不顧身衝進火場拯救自己孩子的母親，當下她對孩子的愛超越了自己置身危險的恐懼，儘管她也許絲毫沒有猶豫。每次當我們鼓起勇氣去做一件事時，我們是跨越了恐懼走入一個愛的能量之中。愛讓我們從退縮之中找到勇氣。
Have you ever seen a person who has been afraid to do
something for a good cause suddenly takes up the courage to do it? The moment
they call up their courage, they are summoning up love for themselves because
it overcomes their fear to do something that will benefit themselves or other
people. This is the same when a mother rushes into the house on fire to rescue
her child without fear. At that moment, the mother’s love for her child overcomes
her fear of putting herself in danger, although it probably doesn’t take a
second for her to reach that decision. Every time we become brave to do
something, we go beyond our fear to a place of love. Love shifts our withdrawal
to courage.
每當我們猶豫是否要採取一個對自己有益的行動時，也許可以探討一下那個猶豫的心情。如果我要採取的行動結果不如預期，我是否會覺得難過、難為情、失望或生氣?
為什麼我會有那種感覺?
Every time we feel hesitant about doing or saying something
for our good, it is worth exploring the feelings behind the hesitation. Would I
feel vulnerable, ashamed, disappointed or angry if my action risks
looking bad? Why would I have those feelings?
如果我們能了解並處理那些讓我們猶豫不決的情緒，因而看到並守護自己的重要性和價值，我們便可以勇往直前地去追求任何靈魂渴求的事。
If we can understand and handle the unpleasant feelings that
hold us back from taking an action, by standing firm with our own values and
worth, we can pursue anything we want in our lives without hesitation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
「我們對自己的感受是決定我們生活狀態最重要的指標」
"Our feelings about ourselves are actually the most important barometer for determining the condition of our lives."
~ 艾妮塔‧穆札尼 / Anita Moorjani
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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