作/譯者 By: Judy H
有這種經驗嗎? 有人拜託你幫忙一件事，雖然心裏覺得有點負擔，你還是說「好」答應了下來。但當你後來採取實際行動幫對方做那件事時，你在心裏發牢騷很懊惱，問自己當初為什麼要答應對方。
Did you have this experience? Someone asked you to do something for them and you said “yes” even though it felt like a burden to you. When you actually performed the task for that person, you felt resented and upset wondering why you had agreed to do it in the first place.
也許是同事請你幫她完成一份文件，所以你必須留下來加班去完成它。也許是你表姐請你為她孩子的生日派對製作一份蛋糕，而你必須取消一項約會才有時間去作蛋糕。或者你的鄰居請你午夜開車送他到機場，但是你隔天必須起個大早。
It could be your co-worker asking you to finish a document for her and you had to stay late at work for it. It could be your cousin asking you to make a cake for her kid’s birthday party and you had to cancel some appointment in order to make time for it. Or your neighbor asked if you could drop him at the airport at midnight when you had to get up early the next day.
你覺得有壓力不太想幫這個忙，但你還是順從了他們的意思。可能有某些原因讓你覺得很難拒絕他們的要求: 你不想破壞和他們之間的和諧關係; 你想被看作是一個好人; 你希望得到他們的認同; 或者你害怕如果你不答應，他們會說你的壞話。
You felt a little stressed and reluctant to do what they asked you to do, but you decided to let them have their way. You felt awkward to turn down their request for various reasons: you didn’t want to spoil the amicable relationship you had with them, you wanted to be regarded as a nice person, you wanted their approval, or you were afraid that they would criticize you if you didn’t comply with their request.
但是你的心裏並不開心。你氣呼呼地做那份文件; 你一邊做蛋糕一邊在心裏埋怨你的表姐; 你擔心午夜過後才睡覺會睡眠不足; 更糟的是，你氣你自己答應要幫這個忙:「我為什麼要做這件事? 他為什麼老是找我?」
But you were not happy. You puffed and huffed when you were working on the document, you complained about your cousin in your head when you were making the cake, you worried that you would not get enough sleep by staying up past midnight, and even worse, you were upset with yourself for having said “ yes” to their request: “Why do I have to do this? Why does he always come to me?”
當我們幫忙別人時，我們應該是出於愛和善意而伸出援手，而且應該會因為助人而感到快樂才是。但是我們的感覺卻是相反的 – 在幫忙的過程中我們滿腹牢騷，甚至因為自己輕易地允諾別人而對自己不滿。
When we help someone, we are supposed to lend a hand from a place of love and kindness and we should feel good about doing it. Yet we find ourselves feeling the opposite – we resent the whole time we are doing the favor and we loathe ourselves for having said “yes” to these people.
為什麼呢?
Why?
因為當我們說「好」答應別人時，那個答應並非出自心底，那個答應並非出自我們樂於助人的喜悅之情。相反的，我們答應是因為我們不想讓別人失望，我們答應是因為我們害怕拒絕對方會有什麼後果。
Because we didn’t say “yes” from the bottom of our heart; we didn’t say “yes” from the joy of wanting to help. Rather, we said “yes” because we didn’t want to disappoint other people; we said “yes” because we are afraid of the consequences of saying “no”.
然而，當我們行為的出發點是基於恐懼時，它只會引發其他不愉快的情緒。在要求幫忙的對方離開我們的視線或掛上電話的那一刻，我們就恢復了理知。先前的恐懼慢慢變成了懊悔，然後在我們付諸行動幫那個忙時，懊悔變成了怨懟。這樣的助人一點也不開心。
However, when we do something from a place of fear, it only leads to other unpleasant feelings. The minute the person who makes the request leaves our sight or hangs up the phone, we come to our senses. The earlier fear of disappointing the other person is replaced with regret and then turns into frustration and resentment when we actually perform the task being asked. We don’t feel good about helping them at all.
我並不是指我們不應該伸出援手去幫助別人，但是當幫助別人這個念頭讓我們覺得有負擔或增加我們的壓力時，我們也許應該考慮一下。或許是因為我們不喜歡對方，或許是因為我們有別的事情要處理，或許是因為我們自己已經焦頭爛額，或者只是因為我們的直覺告訴我們此時不宜攬上太多的責任。不管理由是什麼，我們的感覺永遠是最好的指標。
I am not saying that we should not help people or do them favors, but when the thought of helping, for some reason, weighs us down and adds to our stress, we may want to give it a second thought. It may be because we don’t like that person, we have something else we need to take care of, we are having a bad day ourselves, or simply because our intuition tells us that it’s not a good time to take on more responsibility. Whatever the reason is, our feeling is always our best gauge.
我們以為我們必須答應別人的請求才是表示愛對方，但是當我們覺得-不得不-答應而心裏卻不情願時，我們呈現出來的能量其實不是愛，而是恐懼。我們害怕當面拒絕別人看到他們失望的表情，於是我們選擇拋棄自己的感受，讓自己失望。然而我們對自己太失望了，於是一開始害怕拒絕別人的恐懼，轉變成了後來的挫折感和怨懟。
We think we should always say “yes” to help people as a way to show our love, but what we show is not love but fear when we feel obligated to say “yes” while we are feeling “no” inside. Because it is terrifying to reject people to their face and see how disappointed they are, we choose to brush aside how we feel and disappoint ourselves. And we become so disappointed in ourselves that the initial fear of rejecting people turns into frustration and resentment.
因為恐懼答應別人，隨後又產生怨懟的情緒表現，在我看來說明了一件事: 我們不可能真誠地去愛別人，除非我們先愛自己; 我們不會因為幫助別人而感到快樂，除非我們先幫助自己。如果我們自己已經忙得不可開交，感到疲憊，或不管什麼理由心裏覺得有負擔，我們是不是應該先照顧好自己，提升自己的能量，再去考慮幫助別人? 如果對方真的關心我們，知道我們已經承受了不少的壓力，他們還會想找我們幫忙嗎? 如果是我，我可能不會。
The fact that we agree to do something out of fear and later become resented about it says one thing to me: we can’t truly love other people without loving ourselves first, and we can’t feel good about helping other people unless we help ourselves first. If we already have many things on our plate, feel tired, or for whatever reason the thought of providing the help feels like a burden, shouldn’t we take care of ourselves first to regain or uplift our energy before we go help other people? If those people care about us and know we are already stressed, wouldn’t they hate to bring their problems to us? I would if I were them.
所以，如果我們覺得助人的時機不恰當，也許我們不要因為恐懼去承諾對方，讓它演變成其他不舒服的情緒。也許我們一開始就應該勇敢地拒絕。也許我們應該尊重自己的感受，提起勇氣當時就讓對方失望，而不要在事後跟自己和別人生氣，因為如果我們選擇以愛為出發點，那麼我們就必須先愛自己才有可能去愛別人。
So instead of saying “yes” from a place of fear and letting it develop into other uncomfortable emotions, maybe we should be brave and say “no” in the first place, if the idea of helping someone at that moment does not feel right to us. Maybe we should respect what we feel and have the courage to disappoint other people now, rather than resent everyone including ourselves later, because if we want to choose love, we have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.
有時候「拒絕」才是愛的表現 ，因為只有當我們的心先充滿愛，然後溢滿出來流向周遭的人時，我們才有可能實現一份真誠助人的愛。
Choose love to say “no” because loving other people is only genuine and possible when our own cup of love is full first and it overflows to the people around us.
* 寫譯 By: Judy H *
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「我們認為愛自己是自私的，而且我們相信我們應該達到一個境界去愛所有的人，但是除非我們先愛自己，那是不可能的。」~ 艾妮塔‧穆札尼 (愛弗琳‧安郝哲專訪)
"We believe that loving ourselves is selfish and we believe we are supposed to attain a state where we love all others, but until you love yourself it is not possible." ~ Anita Moorjani (in Interview with Evelyn Einhäuser)
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