「我的自我是這麼強勢，一直到我看到愛。」
"My ego is so dominating until I see my love." ~ Judy H ❤
By Judy H
我們都有過這種經驗: 我們和別人在討論一件事，但對方的意見和我們不一樣。討論的內容可以是哲學、政治、宗教、教育，甚至是每天該喝多少水。當我們發現對方的意見和我們不同時，我們的反應是什麼? 也許會覺得不悅，然後試圖說服對方，讓他們明白他們的想法是不對的。我們也許會不可置信的搖頭納悶，一個和我們如此熟識或親近的人怎麼會有如此短視、不合理或不健康的想法。
We all have this experience: you are talking to somebody on a topic but his or her opinion is different from yours. The topic could be anything – from philosophy, politics, religion, education to something as small as how much water you should drink every day. When we find that the other person does not agree to our point of view, what happens? We may get upset and try to convince them that they are wrong. We shake our head thinking how a person we befriend or are close to is holding an opinion that is so near-sighted, illogical or unhealthy.
通常我們和對方的關係越親近時，我們越希望他們的看法和我們一致。畢竟，我們很難想像一對整天意見不合的夫妻卻希望能夠白頭偕老。因為我們關心對方，我們擔心他們「錯誤」的想法會會導致他們不幸福，所以我們想要去改變對方。於是我們把一個原本輕鬆的對話變成一場辯論，我們想要證明對方的意見是多麼荒謬。
Usually the closer the other person is to you, the more we need them to be agreeable to you. After all, can you imagine a husband and a wife who do not see eye to eye with each other all the time but try to spend their whole lives together? Because we are concerned about the other person and we are worried that their “wrong” opinion can jeopardize their well-being, we want to change how they see things. We then turn a casual conversation to a debate, wanting to prove to the other person how absurd their point of view is.
當對話逐漸白熱化時，我們的自我意識也變得越來越強，聲音也越來越大。到最後，我們鑽進牛角尖裏，忘了一開始我們為對方著想的那個善意，一心只想要贏得這場口舌之戰。
As the exchange of words becomes heated, our ego becomes stronger and our voice gets louder. At the end, we lose our senses and forget our good intention for the other person that started the conversation. We are consumed by the desire to win the trophy of the battle.
讓我分享米雅的一個故事。
Let me share an experience via Mia’s story.
米雅只有一位姐姐，她住在不同的國家。姐妹倆本來每一隔陣子就會通電話，但自從雙親過世後，她們通話的次數比以前頻繁了。米雅很愛戴姐姐，但有時覺得和姐姐說話不是那麼愉快，因為兩人對某些事情的看法並不一致。
Mia has only one sister who lives in a different country. While they call each other from time to time, the calls have become more frequent since their parents passed away. Mia loves her sister but sometimes finds it unpleasant to talk to her because they don’t see a few things the same way.
有一次她們談到小孩的教育問題。米雅偏向於給孩子更多的時間去做他們喜歡的事，但姐姐艾莉卻認為小孩應該參加很多的課外活動，學習更多的東西，才不會輸給別人。
One day they are talking about how they should raise their kids. Mia comments that she prefers to give her kids more time to do things they enjoy, but her sister, Ellie, insists that they should participate in more outside school activities to learn more so they can get ahead of other kids.
「他們要找到自己面對事情的方法。我們不可能隨時在他們身邊。他們需要花時間和自己相處，想想事情該怎麼處理。時間排得那麼滿，他們怎麼會有時間去了解自己，找到自己的出口。」米雅不以為然地說。
“They need to figure out their own way of handling things. We can’t be there for them all the time. They need to spend time with themselves and think things over. A busy schedule would not help them to know themselves and find their own solutions,” Mia contends.
「我知道，但是… 學校競爭那麼激烈，我不能讓他們落後。成績不好或課外活動不出色，就進不了好學校。他們越早開始準備，勝算就越大。」艾莉回答。
“I know, BUT… the school is very competitive and I can’t afford to see them fall behind. It’s very hard to get into a good school without good grades and extracurricular activities. The earlier we start to prepare them, the better their chances are,” Ellie replies.
「這樣孩子會很不快樂。」米雅說。但僅管米雅深信她的教育理念對孩子很重要，無論她如何辯解，姐姐總是用一個「但是」把她反駁掉。
“This would make them very unhappy,” Mia says. But no matter how Mia explains her upbringing philosophy which she believes would do the kids a lot more good, her sister always responds back with a “but” to challenge her comment.
「我已經不再是那個不懂事的小妹妹了。」
米雅一邊爭辯一邊在心裏想。她回想過去大她六歲的姐姐總是仗著自己知道得多沒把她當回事; 她想到她是家裏年紀最小的，大家總是要她聽爸媽或姐姐的話就很生氣。
“I’m no longer your little sister who was young and ignorant,“ Mia thinks while arguing with Ellie. She recalls how her sister, who is six years older than her, has always tried to put her down and be the smart one. She resents how she was treated as the youngest kid in the family always being asked to listen to her mom, dad or Ellie.
兩人你一句我一句爭辯了半小時之後，誰也沒有讓步，但發現天色已晚，她們必須互道晚安將電話掛上。電話是掛了，但米雅的思緒卻沒有停下來。她心裏有點難受，沒有辦法從剛剛的對話回神過來。
After 30 minutes of debating without either side conceding it, the two sisters realize that it is getting late and they have to say good night and end the call. Well, the call ends but not Mia’s thought. She feels bad and is reeling from the conversation.
她這時的感覺是什麼?
What is Mia feeling?
她覺得很挫折 - 因為她沒能改變艾莉的想法。她覺得不受到重視 - 因為艾莉沒有認同她的理念。她覺得很受傷 - 因為這樣一位親近的家人不能支持她的看法。最難受的是，米雅覺得有些淒涼孤單，她感覺彷彿失去了一位畢生的戰友。她甚至覺得艾莉已經不愛她了。
She feels frustrated, because she failed to convince Ellie that she was right; she feels unappreciated, because Ellie did not see the value of her philosophy; she feels hurt, because a close family member does not support her opinion; and above all, she feels cold and lonely, because somehow she feels that she has lost a long-time ally in her life. In fact, it almost feels like that she is no longer loved by Ellie.
當米雅探究內心這些不舒服的情緒時，她很吃驚地和「孤單」相遇。
As Mia probes into her uncomfortable feelings, she is surprised to meet with “loneliness.”
為什麼會有這種「孤單」的感覺? 米雅決定更進一步走入她的內心。她運用了拜倫‧凱蒂「功課」裏的問題來幫助她闊展她的視角。
Where does the feeling of loneliness come from? Mia decides to look deeper into herself. She uses Byron Katie’s questions in The Work to help her expand her perspectives.
首先，米雅發現她之所以感到孤單，是因為艾莉的行為不像一位親人，能夠支持和了解她的想法。她覺得艾莉並不支持或愛護她，因為艾莉沒有認同她的觀點。
First of all, Mia discovers that she feels lonely because Ellie doesn’t feel like family who should understand and support her. She feels that Ellie doesn’t support or love her because she doesn’t share her point of view.
「艾莉不愛我，因為她不認同我的教育理念。這是真的嗎?」「不，這不是真的。」米雅不假思索。
“Is it true that Ellie doesn’t love me because she doesn’t accept my upbringing philosophy?” “No, this is not true,” Mia decides.
然後她把這個想法翻轉過來問她自己: 「我愛她嗎?」
Then she turns around the idea by asking herself: “Do I love her?”
「是的，這無庸置疑。」米雅很確定。
“Yes, no question about that,” Mia is sure.
「如果她不接受我的想法，我還會愛她嗎?」米雅停頓下來。
“Do I love her even if she doesn’t accept my point of view?” Mia pauses.
突然間，她看到了問題所在。她發現當艾莉不認同她的想法時，是她不能接受艾莉。雖然她很愛艾莉，但當艾莉沒有順著她的心意作出反應時，一時間她很難接受艾莉。因為她很難接受「錯誤的」艾莉，她想去改變艾莉，所以她能夠去愛「正確的」艾莉。但事實是，無論艾莉的思想行為如何，米雅發現這都無損於她對姐姐的愛。
All of a sudden, she sees where the problem is. Mia realizes that it is her who has trouble accepting Ellie when Ellie doesn’t share her view. She loves Ellie but she finds it hard to accept her when Ellie does not act the way she expects. Because it is hard for her to accept the “wrong” Ellie, she tries to change her so she can accept and love the “right” Ellie. But the truth is, no matter what Ellie thinks or does, Mia realizes that it doesn’t change the fact that she loves her sister.
這個領悟讓米雅明白，她沒有必要去贏過任何人。她重新體認到的這份對姐姐的愛，讓她得以超越她那個經常活在認同和掌聲裏的自我。
With this realization comes with the understanding that she doesn’t need to win over anyone. The love she discovered for her sister transcends her ego that wants to be right and applauded.
這也是我個人的經驗。
That was the realization that I came to from my own experience.
當我們遇見某人和對方交談時，我們會有一種希望對方能夠接受或喜歡我們的渴望。我們是這麼希望被對方認同和接受，依著我們和對方的關係，我們可能選擇妥協讓對方高興，或試圖說服對方讓他們和我們站在同一陣線。我們很害怕遭到拒絕。因為當我們被拒絕時，我們會產生不被愛、疏離和孤單的感覺。我們希望感受的是愛，而愛只會呈現在融洽和諧的狀態裏; 我們不希望有恐懼，而恐懼的感覺則是來自疏遠和分離。
When we meet or have a conversation with someone, there is a desire in us that wants the other person to accept or like us. We want their acceptance and approval so much that depending on our relationship with that person, we either compromise ourselves to please them or we try to convince them so they will take our side. We are afraid of being rejected. When we are rejected, we feel unloved, separated and lonely. We want love that is shown in union and harmony, not fear that results from separation.
但我們可曾想過，拒絕的人不是他們，而是我們? 當對方和我們意見不合時，我們會在心裏上排斥他們。我們是很想接納他們和他們友好，但是做不到，因為他們的想法和我們不一致。於是我們和他們爭辯起來，希望去改變他們，好讓我們方便去接受他們。
But did it ever occur to you that it is not THEM who reject you, that it is in fact YOU who reject them? You reject people when they don’t agree with you. You want to accept and love them but you can’t because they are different from you. So you argue with them trying to change them so you can better accept them.
但這是真的嗎 – 除非他們接受我們每字每句和所有的觀點，我們才能接受和愛他們嗎? 我們可以接受他們原本的模樣，就像我們希望他們能接受我們原本的面貌嗎? 如果我們真的覺得很難去接受和自己大不相同的人，我們可以選擇走開，但至少我們明白這個決定權是在我們身上，而不是在他們身上。我們可以決定拒絕或接受一個人，但沒有必要去改變或打敗任何人。
Is it true that we cannot accept or love someone unless they share every single word or view of ours? Can we accept them the way they are, just like we want to be accepted the way we are? If we find it really difficult to accept someone who is different from us, we can choose to walk away, but at least we know that the decision is with us, not with them. We decide if we want to reject or accept them without the need to change or defeat anyone.
無論我們是否看到自己的本質是愛，我們每個人的心中都有愛，問題只是在於我們是否有體認到這份愛，並讓它更容易被我們所取用。那個會覺得孤單、疏離並想要贏過別人的部份是我們的自我，並不是我們真正的本質。當我們沈浸在愛的感覺裏時，自我變會退下。當我們和摯愛的人相處 (包括寵物) 或做一件讓我們感到振奮的事時，我們會忘記自己和時間的存在，彷彿我們已和相處的人事物融合為一。在那個時刻，我們不會有分離的感覺，所有的事都變成一體。這就是愛的力量。
Whether or not we believe that our essence is love, there is love in each of us. It’s just a matter of seeing it and making it more accessible. The part of you who feels lonely, separated and wants to win is your ego, not your true self. Ego subsides when you experience love. When you spend time with your loved ones (including your pets) or do something you are passionate about, you forget yourself and the passing of time; you feel that you are merged with the person or the event that you are involved with. At that moment, all separation seems to disappear and everything becomes one. That is the power of love.
一旦你發現或開發了心中那份愛，就像米雅一樣，它會改變你和別人的互動方式。你不會再尋求別人來接納你，因為你已經明白問題的重點在於你是否能接受他們。當你開始把注意力放在你內心的愛時，每當你遇見別人，你會開始從愛的角度 - 而不是從那個恐懼的自我- 去看他們。
Once you have discovered or uncovered the love in you, like Mia did, it changes the way you interact with people. You no longer want to seek their acceptance because you realize that it is your acceptance of them that is in question. As you start to notice and pay attention to the love that is inside of you, every time you meet with someone, you start to look at them from that love, instead of from the fearful ego.
你會停止向你無法掌控的他人尋求愛，而開始滋養在你內心那唾手可得的愛。你開始將你的力量拿回來 – 你不再依賴外在的世界給你愛，而開始專注於發掘你內心那個龐大的愛的泉源。
You stop seeking love from people who are out of your control and you start cultivating the love that is within your reach. You take your power back – instead of relying on the outside world for their love, you reach inside to build your own powerhouse of love.
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關於作/譯者 Judy H
因為不認識自己，不知道愛自己，一直走在尋覓療癒的路上，然後認識了艾妮塔‧穆札尼。聽到她的訊息有分享的衝動，於是建立了這個網站幫助自己也幫助別人。對認識心靈和愛自己的內容特別感興趣。喜歡寫譯相關文章，和志同道合的人分享，讓更多的人陪我一起走在這條讓人興奮感動的路上 😊
About Judy H
Coming from a place where I didn’t know myself, not to mention loving myself, I have been on a quest to heal myself until I came to know Anita Moorjani. When I did, I felt the urge to share her message. Therefore, I created this blog to help myself and other people. I am interested in getting to know my soul and learning to love it. I like to translate and write inspiring stories and share them with like-minded people so that I have company on this exciting and loving journey 😊
相關內容 / You may also be interested in:
轉念遇到愛 (二) – 凱蒂的「功課」 / Turn Around and Find Love (Part II) – The Work
(視頻) Anita Moorjani 艾妮塔.穆札尼 - 自我和靈性 / Ego & Spirituality
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