By Bridget Garcia
作者: 布麗基特‧葛西亞
I may have said a few words that hurt my father’s feelings, but…
我也許說了一些傷害父親的話，但是…
See, here’s the backstory.
以下是故事的背景。
I’m thirty-four years old, and I started having a relationship with my biological father at age twenty-one. During my childhood years I would see him every now and then even though he lived less than three miles away from my home. I don’t have any memories of being with my dad for birthdays, holidays, family vacations, or even just hanging out watching TV at home.
我今年24歲，我長到21歲才開始和我的生父建立關係。小時候那些年，我有時會看到他，雖然他住在離我不到三英哩的地方。在我的記憶裏，我不曾和父親度過生日、假期、家庭旅遊或甚至一起窩在家裏看電視。
When I was twenty-one my father called and said, “Hey, I’m outside your house.”
21歲那年，父親打電話來說:「嘿，我現在就在你屋外。」
I went outside and he said, “Your mom told me you just had another baby.”
我走出去，他說:「你媽告訴我，你剛生了另一個孩子。」
I said, “Yes, I did.”
我說:「是的，我剛生了孩子。」
By this time I rarely had any dealings with my father, and I had some negative feelings about him because he was not in my life in the way I felt he should have been.
在那以前，我很少和父親往來。我對他有一些負面的情緒，因為我覺得他並沒有以該有的方式存在我的人生中。
A part of me was upset and confused as to why he wasn’t around during my childhood when I needed him. I wanted his guidance and protection, and I felt that he hadn’t given that to me.
我心中有些不滿和疑惑，我不了解他為什麼在我小時候最需要他的時候，不在我身邊。我需要他的指引和保護，而我不認為他給了我這些。
We had a conversation, and he told me that I was welcome at his home anytime and that I should come around more often. Despite how I was feeling, I decided I would give it a try because a part of me wanted to be daddy’s girl.
我們談了一下話，他說歡迎我隨時到他家去，而且我應該經常去。不管我當時感覺如何，我決定嘗試一下，因為一部份的我還是想成為爸爸的女孩。
So, I did just that. I called him as often as I could and would go by his house for visits. I finally got comfortable enough that felt like I was in a good place with my dad. He has a wealth of knowledge, so we began having deep conversations about different things in life, and he would give me advice on things I was going through.
於是我這麼做了。我常常打電話給他，還經常到他家拜訪。後來，我終於覺得比較自在了，感覺自己和父親建立了不錯的關係。他很博學，所以我們的談話開始比較深入，會探討人生中不同的事。他會對我遭遇到的事給予建議。
I couldn’t help sometimes but wonder, what would my life be like if he’d been there from the beginning?
我禁不住會這樣想，如果他一開始就在我身邊，我的人生會變得如何?
I would look at him and his wife and the children they had together—they have so much joy and so many memories with my father. Why couldn’t I get that? Was it because of my mother? Was it because of his wife? What is wrong with me that I couldn’t get the same level of love and attention?
我瞧著他、他的太太和他們共同擁有的孩子 – 他們有那麼多喜悅，和我爸爸有那麼多的回憶。為什麼我沒有? 是因為我媽媽的關係嗎? 是因為他的太太嗎? 我是那裏出了問題，不能得到同等的愛和關注呢?
Recently I saw a post on Facebook by one of my siblings. It read, “I have the world’s greatest DAD!”
最近，我在臉書上看到一則手足的貼文，上面寫著: 「我有世上最棒的爸爸!」
But that’s not who he is to me. I have no childhood bond with him. What we have shared these past thirteen years has been more of a great friendship. He’s not the world’s greatest dad, because if he were he would have been there for me! My emotions and feeling of neglect got the best of me, and I had to disagree with this statement.
但對我來說他並不是。我和他沒有童年時代的感情。過去這十三年我們共同擁有的，比較像是一段友誼。他不是世上最棒的爸爸，因為如果他是的話，他老早就應該在我身邊! 我的情緒和被忽略的感覺凌駕我之上，我無法認同這樣的陳述。
The little girl in me was crying. Why couldn’t my father love me the way he loves his other kids? I felt unworthy. I also felt guilty, like I maybe I had done something wrong. Maybe I wasn’t perfect enough. Maybe he didn’t want me. I asked myself over and over, why couldn’t I have that love? All I wanted was his attention and acknowledgment.
我內心那個小女孩在哭泣。為什麼我爸爸不能愛我，像他愛他其他的孩子一樣? 我覺得自己很沒有價值。我同時覺得有罪惡感，也許我做錯了什麼。也許我不夠完美。也許他不想要我。我一次次地問自己: 為什麼我不能得到那樣的愛? 我想要的不過是他的關注和認可。
If you have gone through this experience you know as you get older that little girl or boy is still hurting for the love they didn’t get. That pain often shows up as anger and resentment toward your parent(s).
如果你有過同樣的經歷，你長大後就會知道，那個小女孩或小男孩還在為他沒有得到的愛覺得受傷。那個傷口通常是以對父母的憤怒和埋怨出現。
The feelings I felt as a child followed me into my adulthood. I was insecure as a person and followed the crowd. I had a hard time trusting people to show up for me; I couldn’t get my own father to be there for me, so why would anyone else?
童年時代的感受隨著我長大成人。我是個沒有安全感的人，而且總是跟著群眾走。我不太相信別人會對我伸出援手。如果自己的父親都不能保守我，別人又怎麼會呢?
Since I felt unworthy of being loved by my father, I developed low self-esteem. Like a drop in the water, this caused a ripple effect. I ended up forming relationships with men who were just like the picture of my father; they would abandon me, and once again I’d feel unworthy of love.
因為我覺得自己不配得到父親的愛，我變得很沒有自信。像落入水中的水滴，它起了漣漪效應。後來和我建立關係的男人，都有著我父親的形象，他們會拋棄我，讓我再一次感到自己不值得愛。
In order to stop this ripple effect from controlling my life, I had to acknowledge that little girl inside me. I had to let her know that I heard her, and I felt her pain. So I started journaling about my feelings. I took that energy out of my body and left it on the paper.
為了不再讓這種漣漪效應掌控我的生活，我必須認同我內心那個小女孩。我必須讓她知道，我聽到了她的聲音，我感受到了她的痛苦。我開始將自己的感覺寫下來。我將能量從體內釋放出來，將它留在紙上。
I also had to have tough conversations with my parents. This was hard because it meant everyone needed to take accountability for their part in this situation—myself included. That meant releasing the expectations I’d placed on my father, which I’d never communicated to him. I recognized that I’d wanted him to be something he wasn’t, I wanted to change him, but I realized that I can’t control or change anyone but myself.
我也必須和我父母進行一些難以啟齒的對話。這並不容易，因為它意味著，每個人必須對這個情況負一部份的責任，包括我自己。它意味著放下我從未對父親透露過的、對他的期望。我意識到我要他變成他不是的那個人，我想改變他，但我發現我並不能掌控或改變任何人，除了我自己。
This is the part where I hurt my father’s feelings.
這是我傷了父親的地方。
I needed to have this conversation with my father and get these feelings off my chest. I knew there was a possibility he wouldn’t understand, because he may have felt justified in his absence. But I also knew the pain I was feeling was not my fault.
我需要和我父親做這樣的對話，將我胸中的情緒釋放出來。我知道他有可能不會了解，因為他或許對他的不在場有充份的理由。但我也知道，我感受到的痛苦並不是我的錯。
I called him, and I stated, “Dad, I feel like we are really good friends, but I don’t feel like you are my dad. I have no childhood memories with you, but I know I can always call you for advice now.”
我打了電話給他，我說:「爸，我覺得我們像是很好的朋友，但我不覺得你是我爸爸。我對你沒有小時候的記憶，但我知道我現在可以隨時打電話給你，詢問你的意見。」
I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings. I wanted to explain my feelings, based on my experience and my perception. I didn’t really know why he wasn’t around during my childhood; I just knew I didn’t get my dad.
我並不想傷他的感情。我只是想根據我的經驗和我的觀感，來表達我的感受。我真的不知道為什麼小時候他不在我身邊，我只知道我沒有爸爸。
He responded with, “It sounds like your saying I’m a failure.”
他的回答是: 「聽起來你像是在說，我很失敗。」
I said, “No, I’m just sharing how I feel.”
我說:「不是的，我只是在分享我的感受。」
I took a few days to think about this conversation because it was tough for the both of us. I’d cried, and I could tell he felt disappointed. I realized then that just because people have children, that doesn’t mean they are ready to be parents.
我花了好幾天時間思考這次對話，因為它對我們兩人都很困難。我哭過，而我也能感覺到他很失望。當時我就明白了，兩個人有了孩子，並不表示他們準備好要做父母。
We think two people meet, fall in love, get married, plan to have kids, and plan out their career. Sometimes it happens that way. But often they really love and care about each other, and then they get pregnant, unexpectedly. Then things go south, and co-parenting goes with it. At least this was my reality with my parents. Neither was there to raise me in the way I thought parents should.
我們認為兩個人相遇、相戀、結婚，打算有孩子，同時規劃著他們的事業。有時事情是這樣進展的，但往往兩人真的相愛相惜，然後出乎意料地懷了孩子。接著情況就不對了，雙方必須輪流共同養育孩子。至少我和我父母的情況是這樣。他們都沒有像我所認知的父母一般撫養我。
I have no clue what specifically they were going through at that time. But whatever it was, it required me to live with my aunt till I was in third grade.
我完全不知道他們那時到底發生了什麼事。但不管是什麼事，我必須和我的阿姨住在一起，一直到我小學三年級。
My Ah ha! Moment
我明白了
A mother and father give you life, but that doesn’t mean they will be the ones who raise you. I have a mother and a father, but my aunt who stepped in and took me to live with her and her three children was my mother.
父母給了你生命，並不表示他們就會撫養你。我是有父母的，只不過我的母親是插手管這件事，讓我和她以及她三個孩子同住的阿姨。
My “dad,” who was my uncle, picked me up almost every weekend and promised to protect me from all danger.
我的「父親」則是我舅舅。他每周末都會來接我，而且答應會保護我，不讓我受到任何危險。
I had another “dad,” who just happened to be my grandfather; he provided for me like a father would.
我還有另外一位「父親」，他剛好是我祖父。他就像父親一樣提供我的需要。
When I eventually went to live with my mother, her boyfriend at the time treated me like his own daughter.
當我最終和我母親住在一起時，她當時的男朋友對我就像對他自己的女兒一般。
I realized then I’d been wrong when I told myself I didn’t have a dad, because I clearly did.
我明白當我跟自己說我沒有父親時，我是不對的，因為我確實有父親。
Plenty of people had stepped in as father figures even though they had no obligation to do so. They created those birthdays, holidays, vacations, and just hanging out at the house type memories that I was looking for from my father.
有很多人以父親的角色介入我的生活，即使他們沒有義務這樣做。他們為我創造了生日、假期、遊玩，以及只是和我在家裏閒蕩之類的家庭回憶， 這些都是我嚮往從我父親身上得到的。
I was blinding myself to my blessings and holding my parents to an expectation that they were never going to be able to fulfill.
我對我的幸福視而不見，而不斷地執著於我父母永遠不可能兌現的期待上。
As a child I wasn’t able to look at them for who they truly are or accept them with the good and bad. As an adult, I focused so much on what I was lacking in my relationships with them that I couldn’t see what I’d had in other people all along.
當我是個孩子時，我無法正視他們真正的樣子，或接受他們所有的好和壞。當我長大成人後，我把注意力都放在我和他們之間匱乏的關係上，我完全看不到我這一路走來從別人身上得到的東西。
I know now that I want to lead my life with love. That means accepting people for who they are and how they are, not what I would like them to be.
如今我知道，我想要用愛來過日子。這個意思是，我要接受別人真正的樣子和行為，而不是我所期望看到的模樣。
Though the pain I felt when it came to my father was not my fault, my healing was my responsibility. As an adult, I’m now capable of taking responsibly for my life decisions in a way I wasn’t as a child. I had to take my power back and stop letting my pain control me.
雖然我從父親身上感受到的痛苦不是我的錯，但是我的療癒卻是我的責任。身為一個大人，我現在有能力為我的生活做決定，我不再是個孩子了。我必須將我的力量拿回來，不再讓我的痛苦掌控我。
I told my father, “I’m not trying to hurt you. Things just are the way they are. It’s not good or bad; this is just our experience. Having you as a friend is better than having nothing at all.”
我告訴我父親:「我並不是想傷害你。事情的發展就是如此，沒有好或不好。那只是一種體驗。有你這位朋友比什麼都沒有好。」
I now call my dad often, because I know it’s difficult to find good friends. I’m happy to say that I have found one in my father.
現在我經常打電話給父親，因為我知道要交到好朋友並不容易。我很高興我找到了父親這位好朋友。
I think I’d just been caught up in the personal emotions and attachments to the people who gave birth to me and expected them to be X, Y, and Z. As a result, I caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering. I had to forgive both my parents and myself for holding on to these expectations.
我想我過去太執著於個人的情緒和給我生命的父母，期待他們變成張三或李四。結果，我為自己帶來不必要的痛苦和麻煩。我必須為執著在這些期待上原諒我的父母和我自己。
If we can let go of expectations and focus on appreciating the people who are there for us we can find healing in the painful truth. I think this is a key to finding peace with things that have hurt us. We have a picture in our minds that doesn’t match up with our reality. When this happens, we may feel disappointed and close ourselves off to other perspectives.
如果我們能放下期待，聚焦在感恩身邊的人，我們可以在不幸的現實中得到療癒。我認為這是在傷害我們的事件中找到平安的關鍵。我們的心中往往有一幅和事實不同的畫面。當這種情況發生時，我們會感到失望，並且封鎖住其他視角。
Like me, you may not have had the relationship you wanted with your parents, but perhaps foster parents, aunts, uncles, brothers, or friends stepped into your life and become that dad or mom when they had no obligation to do so.
像我一樣，你和你父母的關係也許不如你所願，但也許有養父母、阿姨、舅舅、兄弟或朋友在毫無義務的情況下介入你的生活，扮演你的父親或母親。
To those people in my life I say thank you. It’s hard to see, at first, just how much you’ve done. As a child our pain can blind us from the love we are given. Because of your love, people like me can stop and say, “I did have mom or dad.”
對我生命中的這些人，我要說聲「謝謝你」。一開始真的很難看到，你們為我付出了這麼多。當我們還是孩子時，我們的痛苦會蒙蔽我們生命中的愛。因為有你們的愛，像我這樣的人可以放寬心地說: 「我確實有爸爸和媽媽。」
This insight doesn’t only apply to parents. Have you ever held someone to certain expectations, just because of who they are to you? Like a husband or wife, mother or father, brother or sister, aunt or uncle, grandparents, best friend, boss, co-worker, etc.
這份理解不僅僅適用在父母身上。你曾經因為某人和你的關係，而對他們有特定的期望嗎? 例如先生或太太、母親或父親、兄弟姐妹、阿姨叔叔、祖父母、好朋友、上司、同事等等。
At times we expect people to fill certain roles just because of their label. Some expectations are reasonable and healthy, but can you perhaps release some and replace them with gratitude?
有時候我們會因為對方的身份而期待他們扮演某種角色。有些期待是合理而健康的，但也許你可以放掉一些，用感恩的心來取代?
This is in no way, excuses anyone’s behavior or the pain they may have caused you. This is a step toward acceptance. Accepting people in their truth even when we don’t agree, this is taking back our power.
這絕不是在為別人的行為或他們對你造成的傷害找藉口。這是朝接受的方向靠近一步。接受別人真正的模樣，即使我們不能贊同，就是拿回我們的力量。
I know I can’t change who my parents are or what they’ve done, but I can always change my perspective by looking for positive aspects in each of them. I receive more from being grateful than I do with expectations.
我知道我不能改變我父母的樣子或他們的行為，但我永遠可以改變我的觀點，從他們每個人身上找到正向的一面。感恩的心讓我得到的比期待更多。
I’ve stopped focusing so much on them and now focus more on myself, because I’ve realized the only person I can change is myself.
我不再把過多的焦點放在他們身上，而是放在自己身上，因為我明白了我能改變的，只有我自己。
Forgive yourself for hurting yourself or others with expectations. Know that the pain you feel is real, and that you can release that pain from your life at any moment you choose. And allow yourself to be grateful for all the good in your life instead of focusing solely on what’s hurt you.
原諒自己曾經用期待傷害了自己或別人。明白你感受到的痛苦是真實的，但你可以選擇在任何時間點釋放那份痛苦。允許自己對生活中的好事覺得感恩，而不是一味聚焦在傷害你的東西上。
This is how I’ve healed some deeply rooted wounds that caused a great level of pain in my life. I hope by sharing my experience I’ve helped you take a step toward your own healing and understanding.
這是我如何從深植的創傷和它造成的巨大痛苦中療癒的故事。我希望藉著分享我的經驗，我會幫助你朝著自身的療癒和理解邁近一步。
* Judy H 譯 *
Source / 文章來源
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-expectations-hurt-how-ive-forgiven-my-absentee-father-and-healed/
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「如果你的另一半欺騙你，毀掉你的婚姻，那不是你的錯。但如何承受那痛苦、克服它並為自己創造快樂的生活，毫無疑問地是你的責任。」~ 威爾‧史密斯
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Bridget is a trained life coach and the co-founder of the podcast Silver-Reflections. A podcast that gives access to her life experiences and the strategies she has used that have led to her own level of healing, peace, and understating. Visit silver-reflections.com to subscribe to her blog and listen to her podcast. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.
關於 布麗基特‧葛西亞
布麗基特是位專業訓練的生活教練，也是播客「銀色沈思」的創辦人之一。透過這個播客，我們可以一窺她的生活體驗和她獲得療癒、平安和理解的生活策略。到silver-reflections.com訂閱她的部落格和聽取她的播客。也可以在Instagram 和Facebook上追蹤她。
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