作者: 麥克.葛洛弗
“I vow to let go of all worries and
anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
「為得輕鬆和自由，我誓言要放下一切擔心和憂慮。」 ~ 一行禪師
As I sit here writing this, I’m just
a couple of days away from my twenty-eighth birthday.
當我坐在這裏寫這篇文章時，離我28歲生日只有兩天。
It’s been a whole decade since an
introverted, shy version of me turned eighteen years old and entered into the
realms of what many people consider to be “adult age.”
整整十年前那個內向羞澀的我跨過18歲，進入很多人所謂的「成人階段」。
Back then, anxiety, specifically
social anxiety, plagued me.
那時的我被焦慮所苦，特別是在社交方面。
At the time, however, I’d never even
heard of anxiety, let alone considered that I may be suffering with this thing that
could be termed a “mental illness.” Truth be told, I just thought I was a bit
weird.
然而那時，我根本沒有聽過焦慮這種事，更別說會想到我可能是患了別人所說的「心理疾病」。說實話，我只是覺得自己有點奇怪而已。
I thought it was just who I was. And
that the uncontrollable sweating whenever I left the house, the monumental
nervousness before having to go into any social situation, the sick feeling
before making any phone call, and the continual worry of what might happen
in the future was just an annoying part of me that I’d have to live with for
the rest of my life.
我以為我生來如此。出門前會不由自主地冒汗，去任何社交場合前會感到非常緊張，很討厭打電話，還有不停地擔心未來可能會發生的事 – 我認為我這輩子都必須和這些困擾共處。
The decade that followed, though,
brought some huge life lessons. I graduated from college, got my first
full-time job, left said job, started several businesses (failing at most),
became obsessed with health, nutrition, and fitness, met the love of my life,
and traveled to various parts of the world.
但接下來的十年，我經歷了一些人生的重大課題。我大學畢業，拿到第一份全職的工作，後來離開了那份工作，創辦了幾個事業(大多失敗了)，開始熱衷於健康、營養和健身方面的事，遇到我生命中的摯愛，並且到世界各地旅行。
But around eighteen months ago, I
left the personal training business I was miserable in and became obsessed with
spirituality, personal development, and understanding my own brain.
I wanted to know why I’d been on
this journey so far, yet still felt completely worthless as a human being and filled with
panic about what people thought of me or what might happen in the
future.
不過大約在18個月前，我結束了不愉快的個人健身事業，開始對精神層面、個人發展和自己的大腦活動很感興趣。我想知道為什麼我會走到這一步，為什麼我仍然覺得自己毫無價值，而且對別人的眼光和未來可能發生的事充滿憂慮。
It was during this time I did
monumental amounts of reading, inward reflection, and deep inner work in order
to truly get to know what was going on inside of me. I got to understand who I
was and connect with myself at a level I didn’t previously think was possible.
就是在這段時間裏，我做了大量的閱讀、自我省思和心靈深處的探討，設法去了解我的內心世界。我開始了解我是誰，並對自己有了前所未有的認識。
So as I sit here now, ten years on
from my eighteenth birthday, I’d like to share four things I’ve learned over
the past decade and would want to say to that anxiety-ridden, nervous, and
severely introverted version of myself if I ever got the chance.
所以當我現在坐在這裏，18歲之後十年的今天，我想分享過去這十年我學到的四件事，而且如果可能的話，我想對當時那個為焦慮所苦、很容易緊張且極度內向的我說這些話。
1. Be unashamedly all of you.
坦然呈現全部的你
Part of the reason I was feeling all
this anxiety and emptiness inside was that I had this belief that I
somehow needed to be more than who I was. Like I wasn’t good
enough as me in any present moment, and so I needed to add on
external things in an attempt to bridge that gap.
我之所以感到焦慮和空虛的其中一個原因是，我認為我必須超越自己。我總是覺得自己不夠好，所以必須靠外在的東西來彌補那個缺陷。
Deep down, at a subconscious level,
I felt that I wasn’t worthy of love or attention without chasing all this stuff
that was outside of myself. The degree, the job, the business, the pay bracket.
在內心深處的潛意識裏，我覺得如果我不去追求那些外在的東西 -- 學位、工作、事業和一份高薪，我根本不配得到別人的關愛和重視。
As I attached my entire worth as a
person to all this external stuff, I created a world full of anxiety for
myself.
當我將自己的價值和這些外在的東西劃上等號時，我等於是為自己創造了一個充滿焦慮的世界。
I got anxious about having to
converse with people, for fear they would figure me out as a fraud or someone
who didn’t have everything together. And my desperate looking to the
future for a time when I did have it all together would cause regular panic
when something even slightly compromised my ability to get there.
和別人交談會讓我感到焦慮，因為我害怕他們會看穿我的偽裝，發現我其實沒那麼完美。而且我對自己實現完美的那種渴望，也讓我經常處在焦慮的狀態中，因為任何會影響我達到這個目標的阻力，即使是芝麻小事，都會讓我焦慮不安。
The irony here is that by never
feeling “enough” or “worthy” and trying to gain these external things in
order to be more than I was, I was actually shrinking my real self.
諷刺的是，因為我從不覺得自己「足夠」或「有價值」，而且不斷地想藉得到外在的東西來「超越」自己，結果我所做的其實是在縮小真正的自己。
The real me wasn’t showing up in the
world, and I was holding myself back from everyone and everything. Bringing
just a miniscule percentage of the greatest version of myself into every
situation and moment. And that’s just not fair to me, or the world.
真正的我並沒有呈現在這個世界裏，不管面對任何人或事情，我都將自己隱藏起來。和一個完全展現的自己相比，我所活出的生命多麼渺小。這對我和這個世界都是不公平的。
So the first thing I would say to my
eighteen-year-old self is to stop trying to be more than you are, and just
unashamedly be all that you are at any given moment.
所以我想對18歲那時的我說，不要企圖「超越」自己，不管是什麼時候，你只需要坦然地呈現你所有的自己。
2. You get to create yourself.
你可以創造自己
One of my greatest fears as an
eighteen-year-old, and for a good number of years following, was that I would
be this incredibly shy and anxious person for the rest of my life.
18歲那時和接下來的幾年，有件事讓我很害怕 - 我害怕我會一輩子這麼害羞和焦慮。
In fact, I don’t suppose it was really
a fear at the time. More a simple acceptance and frustration at the fact that
I’d been dealt this hand of someone who always had a knot in his stomach,
struggled to hold conversations, and was perennially labelled “the quiet one.”
也許不該說是害怕，比較像是無耐地接受這個事實 – 老天爺給我這種個性，讓我生來容易緊張，不知道如何與人交談，而且總是被形容為一個「安靜的人」。
If I’m honest, it caused me to
really dislike and become irritated with myself. It was overwhelmingly
frustrating to see other people make their way into social circles and progress
in life seemingly with relative ease. Yet here I was, having to calm down and
prepare myself for the simple act of making a phone call to book a dentist’s
appointment.
老實說，我真的很不喜歡這樣的自己。看著別人輕鬆地與人交際，在人生路上勇往直前，自己卻只是想試圖平靜地打通簡單的電話給牙醫師約診，真的感覺很沮喪。
This all just became a part of my
identity, just who I thought I was and a part of me I assumed I just had to
live with.
但這一切都只是我所認定的性格，我認為我就是這樣的人，必須忍受這樣的自己。
At some point along the way, though,
I came to the realization that I was choosing to keep this social anxiety as a
part of my identity. Maybe not on a conscious level, but certainly on a
subconscious one.
後來我意識到，是我選擇一直保有這種社交恐懼的特質，並認同它是我人格的一部份。或許我不是故意的，但我肯定是在潛意識裏做了這樣的認同。
I discovered that by facing up to
what was going on inside my anxious head, no longer trying to push it away and
suppress it, and challenging the negative
thoughts floating around, I could create a blank slate of sorts, to
assume an identity without all the anxiety.
我發現如果我能面對焦慮的念頭，不再想排除或壓抑它，並且對那些在腦子裏亂竄的負面思想抱著質疑的態度，我就能在某種程度上回到一個起始點，去接受一個沒有焦慮的性格。
In short, a person’s past does not
need to dictate their present or the future. There is no “hand” we have been
dealt. And so we get to create and choose into who we want to be in any given
moment or phase of our lives.
簡單來說，一個人的現在和未來不需要受他的過去所支配。老天爺並沒有侷限我們。我們可以在生命的任何時刻和階段，去創造和選擇我們所希望成為的人。
3. Life doesn’t have to look a
certain way.
人生不是只有一個模式
For so long, I had this grandiose
illusion that everything had to look a specific way.
很長一段時間我有個很理想化的錯覺，我認為每件事都有它既定的模式。
I believed the “correct” path in
life, whatever that meant, was already there for me, and if I veered from it,
something terrible would happen. In my mind, everything was filled with
“should” and “should nots” around what life was supposed to look like.
我相信我的人生有一個「正確」的道路，不管它所指為何。如果我偏離了那條道路，後果會不堪設想。對我來說，人生 應該 呈現某個樣子，所以任何事我都以「應該」或「不應該」來看待。
I should have a good schooling, a
degree, get a good job, behave this way, do this, do that; it’s bad to do this,
it’s good to do that; I should fall in line with everyone else.
我應該進好學校，拿學位，有份好工作，要有某種行為舉止，做這個，做那個; 做這個不好，做那個才對; 我應該和其他人看齊。
Of course, I’m not saying we should
go against the grain all the time. There are some aspects in life where it’s
probably a good idea to fall in line. The concepts of not judging people by the
color of their skin or not being a serial killer are pretty good examples.
當然，我不是說什麼事都應該逆道而行。人生有些事最好和別人看齊，比如說不要以膚色斷人，不要成為殺人犯，這些都是蠻好的例子。
But to just accept that everything needs
to look the way society, the media, a religion, teachers, school, or even your
parents tells us is not necessarily serving us best.
但如果我們接受每件事都 應該 像社會、媒體、宗教、老師、學校或甚至父母告訴我們的一樣，對我們未必是最好的。
All this did for me was create
anxiety. I had a path in my mind, and if anything threatened me falling off
that path then, in my head, I would be castigated from society, nobody would
love me, and my whole world would cave in.
這樣的結果是讓我產生焦慮。我心中已有個既定的道路，如果有任何事會讓我偏離這個道路，我認為我會被這個社會撻閥，沒有人會再愛我，我的世界會崩塌。
It was as if I was constantly on the
lookout for things that could move me away from how things should look. The
result was being in an almost perpetual internal state of worry, panic, and
dread.
But why do things have to look
a certain way? Just because a direction, path, or way of thinking worked
for one person, doesn’t mean it will for anyone else.
我似乎不停地在留意任何可能會讓我偏離正軌的事情。結果我總是處在擔心、慌亂和恐懼的狀態下。但是為什麼事情只能有一個模式呢? 對某人有益的方向、道路或思考方式不見得合適所有的人。
This is when I realized it was
perfectly okay to challenge convention. To investigate different ways of
thinking without the whole world judging me and everything falling apart. And
that it was perfectly healthy, even necessary, to figure out my own path.
就在這個時候我了解到，我可以去質疑傳統和慣例，去探索不同的思考方式，這個世界不用評斷我，也不會崩塌。甚至可以說，去發掘屬於我自己的道路是完全健康和必要的。
4. Learn to love the darkness.
學習接受黑暗的過往
This was something that took me a
while to truly understand and accept. But when I did, it created a monumental
amount of inner healing and peacefulness.
這部份我花了一段時間去理解和接受。但一旦我弄明白了，它給了我很大的療癒作用和平安。
We all have dark parts of our past.
Some maybe have darker parts than others, but that doesn’t make them any more
or less valid.
我們都有不光彩的過去，有些人的過去可能更黑暗，但這不是重點。
For a long time I wished those
dark parts weren’t there. I would look into my past and feel frustration
and resentment for those dark parts that caused so much pain.
長久以來，我希望那些不光彩的部份不曾發生過。每當想到過去那些不愉快的往事，我就覺得很生氣很沮喪。
I’d look into this darkness and
think about how it shouldn’t be there. That it was wrong and bad it existed,
and because it did, I would be judged if anyone found out; therefore, I wasn’t
worthy of being happy.
對那些黑暗的過往，我覺得它們根本不應該存在。它們的發生是個錯誤和遺憾，如果被人發現了，我會受到異樣的眼光，所以我不配得到快樂。
In reality, every moment in my life,
the good and the bad, was part of a vast sequence of events that led me to this
very moment. We need the darkness in order to experience light, up to
experience down, and sadness to experience joy. Without one, the other cannot
exist.
事實上，生命的每一刻，不管是好是壞，都是無數連續事件的一環，它們造就了今天的我。我們需要黑暗才會感到光明，需要高潮才能感受低落，需要悲傷才會懂得喜樂。兩者缺一不可。
Of course, deep wounds take time to
heal. I’m not saying we should all be able to click our fingers and instantly
love every aspect of the past, regardless of how traumatic or painful.
當然，重創的傷口需要時間去療癒。我並不是指不管多麼傷痛的事，我們都可以輕彈手指，立即去擁抱過去的一切。
But opening up to the idea of
letting go of resentment and frustration, and appreciating dark moments in the
past for what they really are, is such a powerful step. They don’t define us,
and they don’t need dictate who we are. They have given us the opportunity to
harness this very moment and unleash the amazing things that are inside us on
the unsuspecting world.
但是如果我們能試著敞開自己，放下心中的怨氣和不滿，了解黑暗過往的真正意義，那會幫助我們跨出一大步。過去的事不會界定我們，也不必支配我們的人生。因為有那些經歷，我們才有機會掌握眼前的此刻，才得以散發一個精彩的內涵來驚豔這個世界。
—
What would you tell your younger
self if you had the chance to speak with them?
如果有這個機會，你想對年輕時候的你說什麼 ?
About
Michael Glover
Michael Glover
is a Mindset & Performance Coach, helping people balance mental, physical,
emotional and spiritual health in order to build strength from the inside-out
and realise their truest potential. He is host of the Enlightened Entrepreneurial Badasses podcast and blogs over on his site at iammichaelglover.com. Feel free to add him as a friend
on Facebook.
關於麥克.葛洛弗
麥克.葛洛弗是一位身心潛能教練，他經由改善身心靈的平衡和健康，來幫助別人建立自信，發揮他們最大的潛能。他是「大智慧酷企業家 (Enlightened Entrepreneurial Badasses)」 播客的主持人，並在其網站 iammichaelglover.com 上發表文章。可以將他加入 臉書 喲。
* Judy H 譯 *
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