“We’ll light the candle together when she’s ready. For now I’ll trust the darkness for us both.”
~Terri St. Cloud
「當她準備好的時候，我們會一起點燃蠟燭。不過現在讓我們安心地待在黑暗之中。」
~ 泰莉‧聖克勞蒂
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作者: 珍‧德布里歐
Over breakfast one morning recently, Jeff and I started reminiscing about past years, and something was said that brought back a painful memory for me. My boss at the time had been unimaginably small-minded. He had hung me out to dry. “I still can’t understand why he did that,” I said.
最近有天早上吃早餐時，傑夫和我談起一些往事，談話中勾起了一段令我痛苦的回憶。當時我有位上司非常小心眼，他對我做了很無情的事。「我還是不明白他為什麼要那樣做，」我說。
Jeff looked at me levelly. “You need to get over it, Jan,” he said. “It was years ago.”
傑夫面無表情地看著我。「珍，讓它過去吧，」他說，「那已經是好多年前的事了。」
Wise advice, without question. The only problem was that I didn’t want it just then.
金玉良言，沒話講。不過那不是我當時想聽的。
Why is it that we are so seldom allowed a few moments just to hurt? After a serious heartbreak like the death of a loved one, sure, we’re given all the leeway we need. But the run-of-the-mill slights and small, persistent sorrows are treated as something we should quickly move past, even when they’re deeply painful.
為什麼我們幾乎不讓痛苦的感覺存在片刻? 當我們承受親人過世的椎心之痛時，我們被恩准可以盡情地悲痛。但對於日常生活中的小波折，一些揮之不去的傷心事我們卻被期待要馬上超越，即使那些事讓人很難受。
Jeff, poor guy, was just trying to help. I couldn’t fault him. I knew I was being a bit ridiculous. But what I longed for was someone to acknowledge my outrage, let me sit with it, live into it for a few moments—and then gently remind me that it’s time to get over it.
可憐的傑夫，他只是想幫我的忙，我不能怪他。我知道我有點不可理喻。但我只是希望有人可以了解我的憤怒，讓我和我的感覺相處一下，讓我走過這種感覺 -- 然後在這之後溫和地提醒我，我可以讓它過去了。
A few hours later, after I’d licked my wounds and was feeling better, I began to wonder: Might I also be failing to honor the sorrows of others?
幾個小時之後，在我舔過自己的傷口覺得好一點時，我不禁想到: 我是否也曾輕忽過別人的傷痛?
Everything I’ve learned in the past eight years, since the death of our son, has pointed me to the same lesson: The most important thing we can give each other in times of pain is compassion, a simple, “Oh, I bet that’s really hard.” We should offer that before—or instead of—advice on how to cope.
這八年來自從我們的兒子過世後，我一直反覆學到的功課是: 我們對傷痛的人所能提供最寶貴的東西是憐憫之心，一句簡單的「哦，我想那一定很難受。」在我們提供建議之前, 或甚至不要提供任何建議，我們應該首先表達憐憫之心。
Even worse are the times when we immediately turn the conversation to ourselves: “I know just what you mean. I’m going through something like that too.”
更糟的狀況是，我們馬上把話題轉到自己身上: 「我完全了解你的感受，因為我有同樣的經歷。」
I catch myself doing this way too often. My intent is to signal to the person that we’re partners in pain and can support each other. But the comment shifts the focus away from my companion’s heartache to mine.
我發現我太常做這種事了。我的目的是在暗示對方他在痛苦中並不寂寞，我們可以彼此扶持。但是說這種話的結果，只是把痛苦的焦點從對方轉移到自己身上。
Or we may inadvertently belittle our friend’s sorrow with stories of how we’ve overcome the same challenge.
或者，就在我們講述自己如何走出同樣的困境時，我們無意中會把朋友的傷痛矮化了。
Recently I overheard a conversation between two elderly women. One was talking about how emotionally wrenching she was finding it to give up her home and move to a retirement facility.
就在最近，我不小心聽到兩位老太太的對話。其中一位表示，要放棄現在的家搬到養老院去住讓她覺得很難過。
“Oh, you won’t miss it a bit once you get settled,” the other woman said.
「哦，一旦你安頓下來，你就不會想家了。」另一位太太說。
She had already been through the experience and knew without question what lay ahead. I wanted to break in and hug the first woman. When we are in pain, the last thing we need is someone who knows without question what lies ahead.
她已經有過同樣的經歷，知道未來會發生什麼事。這時我好想打斷她們，去擁抱第一位太太。當我們身陷痛苦中時，我們最不想要的就是有人打包票來告訴我們未來的事。
Many of us find it deeply uncomfortable to be in the presence of suffering. And no wonder. We live in a culture where we’re taught from childhood to hide our hurts, to buck up and get over them. We don’t want to display them, and we don’t want to see them in others. Yet unspoken pain is all around us.
很多人非常不習慣面對內心的痛苦。這也難怪，因為我們從小被教導要把傷痛隱藏起來，咬牙撐過去。我們不想表露自己的傷痛，也不想在別人身上看到。但是無言的傷痛到處都是。
I’m talking here about a way of caring for each other that hews a fine line, because I in no way want to encourage my friends and loved ones to wallow in their sorrow. I want to honor it for what it is but never give it the power to rule my life.
我在此表達的是另一種彼此關懷的方式，不過需要拿捏恰當，因為我並不想鼓勵我的親友們沈湎在悲傷之中。我要認同它存在的事實，但不要讓它攪亂我的生活。
It’s true that others may be able to benefit from what I’ve learned—but not immediately after suffering the same kind of hurt. And it’s entirely up to them whether or not they want to learn from me.
沒錯，別人也許可以從我的經驗中學習 — 但不是立即在經歷同樣的傷痛之後，而且是否要向我取經也完全由他們決定。
To show love for another in sorrow asks more of us than empathetic gestures. It asks us to try and understand exactly what the other is feeling, and even to risk getting a taste of that pain.
向傷痛中的人表達關懷需要的不只是一份同理心，它需要我們試著去了解對方真正的感受，甚至會讓我們冒著品嚐到那痛苦滋味的風險。
At a retreat in Maui in 2001, Ram Dass drew a clear distinction between empathy and compassion.
在2001年夏威夷茂宜島的靜心之旅中，蘭姆．戴斯將同理心和憐憫之心作了清楚的區隔。
“Compassion for somebody else is that you are one with them and you hurt with them. That compassion comes out of the oneness of your heart, the oneness with all beings . . . ” He continued, “It’s not just empathy. It’s not one person feels empathy for another person. It’s got to be one person.”
「當你對別人懷有憐憫之心時，你和他是成為一體的，你和他一起痛苦。那種憐憫之心來自於心的合一，萬事萬物的合一…」他接著說，「那不只是同理心，不是一個人去理解另一個人，而必須是合一的狀態。」
How will I ever reach the point where I can feel as one with someone who’s hurting? In this I’m like a child learning to walk; I can only stumble and try again.
我如何能和傷痛的人結合為一? 在這方面我仍然像個學走路的孩子一樣在摸索; 我只能從嘗試中學習。
I’ve lived most of my life cultivating the image of myself as a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anyone’s help. Reid’s death showed me how wrong I was. My task now, I think, is to be present for others who are hurting, because I know what suffering means. This knowledge is a bittersweet gift that’s been given to me by life. I’m trying as hard as I can to use it.
我這輩子都致力於做一個堅強獨立，不需要別人幫助的人。但瑞德的死讓我發現我大錯特錯。我現在的工作，我認為，是陪伴傷痛的人，因為我了解痛苦的滋味。這份了解是生命賜給我的一份又甘甜又苦澀的禮物，我會努力善加利用。
I do not always succeed.
僅管我不是每一次都做得很好。
This is what I know for certain: I can’t tell others how to heal. All I can do is sit with them—and when they’re ready, help them light a candle to find their way out of the dark. Doing this kindly, without giving voice to how I think they should move forward, is a practice I will struggle to follow the rest of my life.
我只知道: 我不能告訴別人如何療癒。我所能做的只是陪伴 — 然後在他們準備好的時候，為他們點燃一道燭光，幫他們在黑暗中找到出口。我希望在有生之年用一顆愛心做這件事，不需要向別人建議他們未來的路該如何走。
One last thing: A few weeks ago, when I had another setback with work, my dear Jeff came to me and enveloped me in a hug. He held me close, hurting with me. And only then, after several minutes, did he remind me that it wasn’t all that important—that in fact I had plenty of reasons to let it go.
最後一件事: 幾星期前當我又在工作上遭遇挫折時，傑夫走過來給我一個擁抱。他緊緊地抱住我，和我一起難過。幾分鐘之後，他才提醒我其實那件事並不重要 — 我有太多的理由可以將它放下。
I responded by giving him the biggest, longest kiss I’ve given him in years.
我回報給他一個多年來最深情的吻。
文章來源 / Source:
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/license-to-hurt-what-we-really-need-when-were-in-pain/
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About Jan DeBlieu
In 2009 Jan DeBlieu's son was killed in a car accident—and her entire world changed. She has since dedicated herself to learning to serve people in trouble, need, or pain. She blogs about the art of selfless service at www.jandeblieu.com, and her latest book (in progress) is called How the Light Comes Back: Finding Wholeness Again by Helping Others.
關於珍‧德布里歐
2009年珍的兒子在一場車禍中喪生，改變了她的世界。她從此致力於學習如何幫助有困難、需要和傷痛的人。她在個人的部落格 www.jandeblieu.com上提供助人的藝術。她最近即將出版的著作叫做「尋回光明 – 幫助別人，癒合生命」
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